The Fat Girls 2007 List of Heroes

This has been an AWESOME year.

If you were fat. If not, you were really fucked. Skinny girls spent a lot of time in jail, didn't they?
Our Wall of Heroes for 2007 (in no particular order):

10. Paris Hilton's Grandfather: Thank you for taking away all her money. It would have been better if you'd given it away to Fat Girls. That woulda really said "Suck It!", but I suppose charity is OK, too.

9. Joe Simpson, Father of Jessica Simpson: You have single-handedly ruined your daughter's career and shown the world just how stupid she really is. For that, Fat Girls thank you. And the fact that your spawn is terrorizing the Dallas Cowboys makes us love you even more.

8. Unplanned pregnancy: Making skinny, rich girls fat! It's a dream come true!

7. Dame Helen Mirren: We can call you Dame, your movies are great, and your flabby arms make us all think that deep down, you're a Fat Girl.

6. Hillary Clinton's Cankles: Back in the spotlight! Not helping! Cankles may be the only thing that can stop her, and for that, we salute them.

5. Vagina: We've all got one and now we can look at one of the MANY we were introduced to in 2007.

4. Fat Girl Celebrities: Including America Ferrera (Ugly Betty), Sara Ramirez (Grey's Anatomy), and Chandra Wilson (also of Grey's Anatomy). It does not include Britney Spears, pregnant celebrities, or anyone on Celebrity Fit Club.

3. Jennifer Hudson: You kicked Beyonce's ASS! That's a lot of ass to kick, too, but you did it! Now quit trying to loose more weight.

2. Paula Abdul: Alcoholism and/or drug use has never been so funny. Her TV show Hey Paula! was like an after school special about what happens to the cheerleader when she gets high.

1. Political Women who Kicked Ass: Benazir Bhutto, who died on 12/28: The first woman democratically elected as the head of a Muslim nation, Bhutto was an icon for strong women. She was killed when an assassin shot her and then blew himself up during a political rally. Aung San Suu Kyi, the leader of the NDL party in Myanmar, is still living under house arrest in Burma by the military government. Why don't I want Hillary Clinton to be the first female US president? Because she can't hold a candle to women like Aung San Suu Kyi or Benazir Bhutto.

And of course, ALL the Fat Girls who continue to make life difficult, demand greatness, and make no excuses for their love of ice cream.

The Fat Girls Guide to Fugly Shoes- Winter

What the hell is with winter boots with stiletto heals?

From a purely practical standpoint- that's make no f-ing sense. I mean, come on.

From an estetic standpoint- they are ugly as sin. They're like something an Inuit hooker would wear.

And the amount of time it must take to lace those things up!?

No self respecting Fat Girl is going to wear those things. Why?

1. Our fat ass calves will not fit into them.
2. Where do we need to be both in stilettos and ready for a blizzard?
3. You can't wear them with sweat pants.

A Fat Girl's Playlist

What do Fat Girls listen to?

1. "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap"- AC/DC

2. "Love Shack" - B-52's

3. "Fighter" - Christina Aguilera

4. "Take It Off" - The Donnas

5. "Sometimes It Takes Balls to Be a Woman" - Elizabeth Cook

6. "Not Big" - Lily Allen

7. "Don't Call Me Baby" - Madison Avenue

8. "I Put a Spell On You" - Natacha Atlas

6. "You Can Feel Bad" - Patty Loveless

7. "Fat Bottomed Girls" - Queen

8. "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" - Pat Benetar

9. "My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)" - En Vogue

10. "You Don't Own Me" - Dusty Springfield

11. "I'm Not Ready to Make Nice" - Dixie Chicks

The Fat Girls Guide to Saving Britney Spears

It's time.

It's time that the Fat Girls of the world rushed to Britney Spears and did some old fashion Fat Girl ass kickin'.

The main issue with Britney Spears is this: She wants to be a Fat Girl, but she just isn't.
Also, she's most likely on meth or crack and has some mental health issues.

Today let's focus on her Fat Girl Issue.

Here's the clues:

1. Loves Cheetos.
2. weight fluctuation.
3. Random acts of violence.

However, here's the problems with her being a Fat Girl:

1. She had sex with Justin Timberlake.
2. Consistently bad weave
3. Not wearing underwear

Now, sex with Justin Timberlake is clearly not something a Fat Girl would do. We need our men to be uglier than we are.

And a bad weave, well, girl, that's just not OK. They ship hair in from India that is gorgeous, and we all know she's makin' enough money to go down to Kim's Hair Plus and get her some real hair. That shit looks like Rick James without the Afro Sheen.

Every Fat Girl wears underwear. It's just polite.

Now that it is clearly established that Britney Spears is NOT a Fat Girl, we have a responsibility to save her.

Here's my plan:

I need 3 Fat Girls, a bottle of anti depressants, approximately 25 miles of Cheetos, a greyhound ticket, and enough Saran Wrap to cover the state of Louisiana.

1 Fat Girl leaves a trail of Cheetos to the Hollywood bus station leading onto a Greyhound bus.
Once Britney finishes the trail of Cheetos, and you know she will, the 2nd Fat Girl pops her full of some anti depressants, and puts her on the bus with a small travel bag of Cheetos.
When she arrives in Louisiana the 3rd Fat Girl will Saran Wrap the state, forcing her to stay both fresh and away from the rest of the country/her children.

I believe my plan provides the following:

1. Punishment to Louisiana for making the rest of us deal with their problems.
2. A much needed publicity campaign for Greyhound.
3. The opportunity for the media to turn their attention away from Britney and on to Katie Holmes, who is clearly being brainwashed and is next on my list to save.

The Fat Girls Guide to Public Ass Kicking

It's a well known fact that Fat Girls can't keep their fat mouths shut.

In public, in private, it doesn't really matter. If a Fat Girl's got somethin' to say, she's gonna say it.

This includes publicly kickin some ass.

What kind of ass kickin, you ask? This kind of ass kickin:

- Rippin a new one into the ass hole who thinks it's ok to yell at an old person.

- Staring down someone who just told his girlfriend she's an idiot when she clearly wasn't being stupid.

-Following someone who is clearly intoxicated out into the parking lot and calling 911 to report a drunk driver.


Be prepared:

Public ass kickin's are no different than a private one. It will include the following:

-Cussing. Lots of it.
-The word Bitch.
-A threat to poke them in the eye
-The statement "may you get a rash in an uncomfortable location"

Also, the following might be included:

-A promise to kill the person using something on their body ("I will strangle you with your own shoelace!" or "I will give you a wedgie that will turn you into a woman, you asswipe!")
-The promise that one day they will die in a way that will embarrass their family.
-the word "gonads" or possibly "nads"
-The prophecy that their children will "destroy whatever little hope you have left".

It will usually leave everyone in proximity to the ass kickin' shocked and possibly nauseous.
It will probably make someone cry.
It will definitely make everyone pray they never have to face a Fat Girl when she's angry.

The Fat Girls Guide to House Guests: Preparation

When inviting guests to stay in your home, Fat Girls need to prep. We're not the Martha Stewart everything-is-always-perfect-just-stop-over kinda people. We're watch-that-beer-bottle-I'd-move-it-but-I'm-too-lazy kinda people.

Because some people may have never stayed at a Fat Girl's home, let me give you an idea of what you're in for:

A good host would:

Do all their laundry before you arrived.

A Fat Girl will:

Make you fold the underwear while they drink a beer.

A good host would:

Ask you what kind of food you like, any special allergies, and would plan for your needs.

A Fat Girl will:

Come home from the grocery store with bread and 4 different kinds of beer. That's it.

A good host would:

Have an itinerary of fun activities for their guests to enjoy.

A Fat Girl will:

Make you run their errands while you're in town so they don't have to use the gas in their own car.

A good host would:

Ensure that their guests have everything they need to be comfortable during their stay.

A Fat Girl will:

Hide everything you need in a scavenger hunt. Be prepared to stick your hand down the garbage disposal if you really want toilet paper.


A good host would:

Be understanding if a guest had a problem that forced a change in the itinerary.

A Fat Girl will:

Yell at you for not telling her sooner that you have a problem and will make fun of you.


If you plan to stay at a Fat Girl's home any time soon, please be warned. It's a full-contact visit.

Fat Girls Guide to Walking

Just because we're Fat Girls doesn't mean we shouldn't get our exercise.

I prefer to exercise in the form of walking (to Dairy Queen).

When a Fat Girl goes out for a casual walk, it is important to go prepared. The streets are dangerous and so are Fat Girls.

1. Pack a snack. Or several. If you, like me, always end up sitting at a cross walk waiting for the little person to tell you it's safe to walk, you might get hungry and a box of Little Debbies should do the trick.

2. Use several routes to provide variety and security. Using multiple routes will also allow for a greater chance that someone new will whistle at you.

3. To wear a bra or not to wear a bra? THIS is the most important question in a Fat Girls life (besides which ice cream to eat). If the whistles and honks start to die down, consider going braless. If not wearing a bra means you look like you have swollen ankles, consider a push up bra and a top 1 size too small. Be prepared for the results of a braless/push up bra walk.

4. When the strange old man in the car that smells like a cough drop asks if you need a ride, don't be fooled by his wonky eye and the oxygen tank. This kind of perv is as fast as a cat and will grab your ass before you know what hit ya.

5. Do NOT stray onto private property to touch an animal that "looks harmless". If the animal doesn't kill you, the freak who lives at that house will. Fat Girls are not known for agility.

6. Avoid walking anywhere near people who are walking their pets in little baby buggies. I don't even need to explain why.

7. When a small, random child on a bike begins to follow you, don't panic. Casually pick up a rock in case the little shit comes at you in some weird Children of the Corn replay.

Fat Girls Guide: What the Hell

Y'all, why is Jenna Bush on a book tour?

Why is Jenna Bush writing books?


Why am I not on an explitive-filled book tour of my own?

My dad was an alcoholic, and my mother['s uncle] killed someone, so why don't I get all the same perks she does?

It's because I'm too in touch with my Black-ness, isn't it?

Eff-ing racists.

The Fat Girls Guide to Unpacking

After recently moving, I realized I am an f-ing fantastic packer but a horrible unpacker.

Then it dawned on me: I'm lazy.

Are all Fat Girls lazy? I believe they are, only not to the extent I am.

Packing is exciting. A new place to live, a chance to purge the clothes from your wardrobe that you now realize you will never fit into again, and the opportunity to really figure out what that smell was under your bed 2 years ago.

But unpacking. Blech.

Suddenly you realize you only actually need a pair of footie pajamas, your ipod, and a blow up mattress to survive.

When you first have this amazing revelation you begin to think, "what else can I live without?"

So you stop unpacking clothes because you know you did a shitty job packing them in the first place and you hate ironing. Once you begin rotating the same 4 shirts and the same 2 pairs of pants, you look to other rooms. Do I really need more than 1 dish? Can I cook everything in the microwave?

Yes, yes you can.


You'll know you've reached optimum Fat Girl laziness when you stop unpacking the bathroom.


Don't stop unpacking the bathroom.


Do you really need a blow dryer?

Yes.



Can I use just one towel?



No.



Where is my toilet paper?



Find it. Now.

There are times when Fat Girls are role models.

This is not one of those times.

Addendendum: I Don't Know How to Spell Addendum

Due to this year's VMA awards, it might be time to add to the List of Things That Generally Frustrate.

V. Level Five: I Hope Kevin Federline Wins Full Custodial Rights: Britney Spears from the moment she got on stage at the VMAs. I mean seriously, did y'all see it? It was bad.

Fat Girls Guide to Things That Generally Frustrate

Part of being a Fat Girl is a general frustration (of varying degrees, of course) for people who do certain (stupid) things.

This frustration comes in levels:

I. Level One: Questionable Taste, but I'll Overlook It: Skorts, Britney Spears (old stuff), Beanie Baby Collectibles, TV shows about giving birth, "I'll just have a bite" of dessert.

II. Level Two: I'll Still Be Your Friend, but I Have to Bring This Up: Jorts (jean shorts), listening to Delilah on the radio, Howie Mandell, small dogs, "Cute" Looney Toon tattoos.

III. Level Three: This May Just Ruin Our Friendship: Celine Dion, pastel pantsuits, statements such as "I just don't understand sports", small dogs in clothing, boyfriends smaller than you are.

IV. Level Four: That's It. I May Poke You In the Eye: Britney Spears (2002-present), high-waisted pants, not wearing underwear ever, excitement over High School Music III, anything resembling the statements made by Miss Teen South Carolina, sugar-free ice cream.

Fat Girls Guide to Buffets

I recently went to a banquet that involved a VERY good bread pudding as dessert.

Fat Girls don't do well at buffet-style events.

You see, Fat Girls get their money's worth. If I spent $20 on a meal (which I rarely do), I want $20 worth of food.

If I cannot eat $20 worth of food, I will take $20 worth of food.

All is fair in a buffet.

Fat Girls naturally gravitate towards large purses, in part, because they often steal food.

I think of it less as theft and more as maintaining a certain lifestyle to which I have become accustomed to.

Our other issue at a buffet event is going back for seconds.

Do we call out to everyone "Y'all done? Cause I'm goin' in again!"

Do act sneaky so people think we're ashamed of ourselves (but we're not)?

Or do we just bring the dessert plate back to our table, because we all know Fat Girls tend to congregate at the same table and everyone was thinking of bringing back the dessert plate anyway?

And if, like I experienced tonight, you're at an event (and not an all-you-can-eat restaurant) you can't just get up once someone starts speaking.

Fat Girls don't follow that rule.

If I want more bread pudding, I'll get it when I damn well please, and I'll kindly thank you to shut the hell up and wait for me.

And if these issues weren't enough, I haven't even covered the reality that there is always the dumb ass caterer who thinks it's OK to start removing food once the last person has gone through the line.

Did they not see me? Do they not understand I am a Fat Girl and need time to decide just how much bread pudding I plan to consume?

Please note, if you are a non-Fat Girl reading this, and you are planning an important business meeting: do not have it as a buffet lunch if you're working with Fat Girls. We will not pay attention to you and will miss all the important information you are telling us.

I will, however, remember the name of the waiter who helped me spoon out the last of the cheese sauce so my broccoli would be a little less vegetable and a lot more fabulous.

The Bitch is Back!

Yeah, I took some time off.

Suck it.

You don't own me.

Actually, I'm been avoiding the wide world of my mind because sometimes I just don't want to think.

Fat girls think too much.

Often about ice cream.

This post goes out to the ladies of the Nashville Civic Design Center who said they love me.

I love you, too, you skinny bitches.

I'll be posting again soon! I recently moved to a small town.

Believe me, I've got lots of material.

Fat Girls Guide to Vomit and Other Unpleasant Things

(This was from July, but I couldn't handle reading it for editing until now. Fat Girls seem to have strong gag reflexes.)


Lately, this Fat Girl has been experiencing a few of her least favorite things. Let me provide you with a list:

- Paperwork with a due date

- Debt

- New beer I didn't care for

- Heat

- Homebuying

- Dogs with bladder issues

- Angry cats

- No new television shows

- Small children

- Paris Hilton with a Bible

- Projectile Vomit

Let me bring the conversation to my last point: projectile vomit.

Why did God allow that to happen? Was it necessary to have a step beyond just plain vomit?

I have learned that children are the best at projectile vomiting. Especially with a full stomach.

I have recently had an AWFUL reminder that Fat Girls don't like vomit.

A small child, certainly not on pupose (that's what the baby lovers out there would tell you, but I think otherwise), projectile vomited in my universe.

I had to clean it up.

It was milk-based.

I just threw up a little in my mouth right now at my computer.

Give me a second.

I think I'm better. I had to let it sit there for quite a while before I had the opportunity to clean it up.


Ok, wait, I need another moment.
Did you know smell is one the strongest memories?
I just found out.


Alright, I'm able to continue.

When Fat Girls clean unpleasant things (well, ok, clean anything) we like it to be in a pleasant, soothing environment with lovely smelling organic products, gloves with leopard print cuffs, and George Clooney waiting to give us a foot rub when we're finished.

Today I had none of those things.

But I had vomit.

I stuffed a tissue into my nostrils (I looked like a bull with a nose ring), wore white rubber gloves (no fancy cuff), and I had a makeshift mixture of windex (generic) and water (cold).

I strubbed vomit off plastic. I scrubbed vomit off furniture. I scrubbed vomit out of carpet.

I hate vomit.

Fat Girls hate vomit. It's unnecessary, bad smelling, and ugly.

It's like every Dane Cook movie: no matter what you do, it just keeps happening.

Control thy stomachs, people. Fat Girls cannot handle this chaos in their universe.

Fat Girls Guide to Traffic Jams

Summertime.

It's a time for vacations, tankinis (Fat Girls don't do the bikini in public. We prefer to keep it tanked), and road construction.

Yeah, I said it.

Road Construction.

Embrace it, my friends, because the bitch is back and she is pissed!

As we are all aware, many Fat Girls lack patience.

Because of our sheer girth we often have some minor issues with claustrophobia.


Road Construction: Lack of patience and frustration at not being able to move freely.


If you live in a state/province/territory/etc. that experiences snow, you are well aware that when the bears come out of hibernation, so do the people in the shiny yellow/green vests. If you live in the South you're probably used to seeing them year round, but they seem to multiply like rabbits when the weather turns to painfully, horribly hot.

Road Construction can cause anyone to swear. Fat Girls swear about how delicious their ice cream is (who doesn't use an m-f-fer now and then to describe Ben n Jerry's?), so you can only imagine how much swearing is involved when they are stuck in traffic.

With just a little preparation, Fat Girls can be ready to bear the injustice of being stuck in a line on the highway, usually behind the idiot blaring Styx.

1. Keep a pen and paper handy. You finally have time to write down the details from all those "How's my driving" bumper stickers.

2. Styxs my ass. Keep that ipod prepared with a "Best of the Worst" play list to blare whenever anyone thinks you should be subject to "Mr. Roboto".

3. To prepare for when that creepy guy with his arm hanging out the window of a beat up pick up truck starts to give you his best come hither wink, use your spare time in line to warm up your middle finger. You're gonna need to stretch for this one!

4. Go ahead, put on your make up! You might get arrested when your road rage really kicks in, so you might as well look as good as Paris Hilton in her mug shot.

5. When you know there will be heavy road construction, think about carpooling to save the environment. Then plan to bring ruffies so you can drug everyone in the car to avoid listening to them talk about their favorite drinks at Starbucks. Bastards.

6. in case you haven't done it already, puncture all the hoses for your air conditioning. If you're gonna be stuck in traffic for hours on end, you might as well do it with your head sticking out of the window like a dog waiting for a tractor trailer to release its air breaks or some idiot on a crotch rocket to blast past you in the hazard lane.

7. Just relax and breathe. You won't be able to accomplish any of your plans to take over the world if you're stressed because of traffic.

Fat Girls Guide to Home Stalking

Perhaps you have never attempted to purchase a home. Maybe you have millions of dollars (or your parents have millions of dollars and they like you), so when you want a home you simply point and say, "that one".

For the rest of us, we must research! We must do all the work a realtor normally does because we cannot afford Realtors!

We're poor!

Fat Girls, it seems, are often poor. It's a strange phenomenon, and I don't think it really has anything to do with being fat. I believe it has something to do with equal parts insatiable craving for ice cream (the good stuff, not that cheap crap) and the fact that we will help anyone in need. Low on funds and food? We'll buy you some groceries. Some potentially crazy homeless person needs our pocket change, we'll buy them a burger. It's a habit that often leaves us with limited funds to prepare for the future (although we certainly ponder a world with limited freezer capabilities- where would all the ice cream go?).

If you want to purchase a home but you have no money, it's important to know the market. Knowing the market means doing the following (when you don't have a realtor):

* Check all the home listing websites
* Cry when you see what is available in your price range ("Is there no clearance rack for homes??" sigh.)
* Neighborhood stalking

Now, the first two I'm sure you're familiar with, but neighborhood stalking? What is that and is it like that time you loved the boy next door and fell out of a tree watching him?


Yes, it's very much like the time you fell out of a tree watching a boy.


Neighborhood stalking is the time-honored tradition of poor people (read: Fat Girls) who need to find out if they really like a neighborhood before they sign their lives over.

But beware!

Neighborhood stalking can quickly deteriorate into stalking stalking. Police and those pesky neighborhood watch groups will notice a stalker stalker, but will not notice a neighborhood stalker.

Fat Girls who want to stalk have to take extra precautions. Mainly this is because we're fat, which means there is more of us to notice, but this is not the only reason, my friends, oh no.
As it has been noted before on The Fat Girls Guide, Fat Girls stand out because we're m-f-ing Fat Girls, and we're amazing. We don't just do our hips big, we do everything big. And that means that when we stalk, we tend to take it to extremes.

To avoid being arrested, here are a few tips if you plan to neighborhood stalk.

Please Note: The Fat Girls Guide is not responsible if you decide to stalk stalk and not just neighborhood stalk as a result of these tips. Neighborhood stalking is a fun way to get to know a community and see if it meets you needs. Stalking stalking is creepy and you're a big perv if you think you can stare at people and get off on it. That's just wrong.

Neighborhood Stalking 101 for Fat Girls:

1. Be aware of the vehicle you use. If your car is the only one in the area you've seen with bumper stickers such as "God is watching and She's pissed!", "Support Your Local Goddess: Buy Me Things" or "Real Men Don't Use Violence", people will notice. You will be quickly spotted. But, if you're the only one, do you really want to live with those bunch of losers?

2. Use the Buddy System. You cannot drive, make snide comments, AND take pictures. Well, you can, but that isn't safe. Having a friend in the vehicle gives you an extra set of eyes, someone to take the pictures, and will definitely sharpen your wit.

3. Call those Realtors and view those homes! It's a great way to begin snooping on potential neighbors. Plus, it's OK to look in the medicine cabinet of a home for sale because you're deciding if there's enough space for your crap, not just checking out what kind of deodorant they use.

4. Unless you have married a gay man do not bring your husband or significant other. They usually don't understand the need to take pictures of homes you don't intend to buy or look into closets and try on clothes that belong to strangers. Frankly, they're just not as exciting as you.

5. Be sure to check the neighborhood at different times. Sunday afternoon is very different than Friday night. Feel free to crash a small backyard get-together. It's a great way to meet people, and when you move into the neighborhood you've had a jump start on making out with everyone's husbands.

Fat Girls Guide to Respecting Your Elders (Because They Can Kick Your Ass)

THIS is what Fat Girls are like when they get old.



To get the story on this AWESOME video: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/6698221.stm

Fat Girls Guide to the Wedding Day (Part 1)

In honor of a beloved Fat Girl who is marrying this weekend, it is time for the first of what will certainly be many installments of The Fat Girls Guide to the Wedding Day.

While most people are married with very few problems, Fat Girls tend to have a flair for the dramatic and the experience that things don't go bad, they go outrageous.

A Fat Girl Bride should prepare for anything. Her wedding isn't just a wedding, it's an exerpt from those Worst Case Scenario books.

For example:

Your family will fuck something up. It's just going to happen. They might not mean to, they may feel really bad about it, but they're gonna do something. Expect your grandfather's brother to lose his fake hair in your punch bowl, your niece to run screaming down the isle with no underwear rather than a basket of flowers, or a fight to break out between your weird second cousins. You should also prepare for one family member to announce they are gay.


Someone will vomit.

If your family or friends are less than happy about your nuptuals, prepare for them to act out. They cannot control themselves. People assume that because you are fat you are also stupid. This, of course, is not true. Providing drinks before the wedding that are tipped with Zanax should keep them under control, but if you go with this plan, prepare for nudity and karaoke from your guests.

The groom will mess up the vows. You are perfect, he is not. It's ok.

When the photographer tries to make you do something you do not want to do, please don't feel obligated. The photographer is your employee. Refrain from physical violence against him should he want some dumbass photo like the groom pulling off a garter with his teeth. You will not be allowed to wear your wedding dress for long when they take you to jail.

Pets should always be welcome at a wedding. They should also be bathed, groomed, and properly restrained. You only wish that could be said for your family.

At least one guest (most likely another Fat Girl) will do something to attempt to embarrass you. She could pinch your boob, grab the groom's butt, moon you, or even butt tag you. Prepare for the ambush.

And finally, a smart bride will avoid high reception costs by substituting purchased alcohol with moonshine. Readily available from any rural community (regardless of where you live in America), moonshine is perfect for a wedding. It's great flavored (strawberry is my favorite) and it works in any drink you might prepare with traditional alcohol (who doesn't love a moonshine margarita?). It is also extremely potent, causing most guests to pass out quickly and giving you a clear shot at making a run for it.

Cheers!

Fat Girls Guide to Home Invasion

It is a safe assumption that everyone who reads this will be afraid at some point in their lives. Some of us have rational fears (death, spiders, a Republican controlled Congress/White House/Supreme Court)and some of us have irrational fears (elves under your bed that will eat you if any part of your body falls off the side while you sleep, snakes coming out of the pool filter and killing you, pitbulls).

To each her own when it comes to fear.

But one fear most everyone shares is home invasion. Not only are we afraid that we will not be able to defend ourselves, but it is also terrible to think someone was in your home without your permission (mother-in-law visits should not be included in this definition of home invasion).

To avoid home invasion, many of us have alarm systems, guns, pit bulls, iron bars, etc. But nothing can truly keep you safe from an invasion.

You might be completely prepared to avoid a home invasion, but I bet you're not prepared for actually being invaded.

Fat Girls know how to respond to crisis (we survived junior high, didn't we?), so here's some tips:

1. In preparation of an invasion, baseball bats should be placed in locations for easy ass-beating: next to your bed, at the foot of the stairs, in a burglar's ass, etc.
2. If you believe someone is on your property or attempting to break into your home, don't scream. Call 911 and boil some water. Once the water has reached boiling, throw it on the burglar. Enjoy the screaming while you wait for the police.
3. If you have a dog, be sure to post a "Beware of Dog" sign. That way, when your dog rips into a burglar's leg like you rip into a pint of Ben 'n' Jerry's, you're covered.
4. Hit the lights. Or hit the burglar with a lamp. Either way, his ass is yours.
5. Remember, guns don't kill people, Fat Girls kill people.
6. When it's all over, consider sitting on the floor in the fetal position near your freezer. Access the ice cream when necessary to calm your nerves. It is recommended to wait until the police leave your home before you start this process.
7. Hang a metal scrotum above your entryways as a good luck charm/warning to all who enter. These can be purchased wherever men purchase specialty truck parts (they really exist).
8. Trust your instincts. Let your inner Fat Girl guide you.

Fat Girls Guide to Small Town Fairs

Ah, summer. the community pools open up, Pasty White America reduce the clothing they wear in public, and small towns across the country have fairs celebrating the things that make them special (fruit/vegetables, famous animals, mass murder crime scenes, etc.).

Like all Americans, Fat Girls love the fair. Who doesn't love the opportunity to eat anything you can think of fried while listening to a local cover band play Eric Clapton hits?

To properly enjoy a fair you must come prepared!

1. If there is a parade (If? I mean when.), be sure to put your chairs out at least a day in advance in order to ensure you'll be able to see the floats and beauty queens. Or you can get there late and knock over some poor toddler to take her place in front. You know you're gonna do it once they start throwing candy anyway.

2. Bring cash. Fat Girls love credit cards, of course, but they are rarely accepted at the fried banana stand. Cash also comes in handy when you need to bribe a carnie to let you stay on the Ferris wheel all day.

3. Get your face painted. Ask for the most difficult, impossible-to-put-on-a-face drawing ever, just to piss off the artist. Then forget about it 2 hours later and start hitting on that cute guy you've noticed at work. Always a turn on.

4. Limit your clothing. You will be in the sun, and she's a bitch. Unless you want a horrible tan line, that is.

5. Consider forming a Fat Girls coalition to petition City Hall/Chamber of Commerce to allow nudity at the fair. Not only would it increase the people watching potential, it would eliminate tan lines (unless you wear shoes or accessories).

6. Buy a tacky hat/plastic inflatable cartoon character/invisible dog on a leash. It's OK as long as you're at the fair.

7. If your fair involves a theme (Donkey Days, Strung-out Strawberry Surprise, Macaroni Madness, etc.) consider dressing in homage to the theme. (for example: Wear a Strawberry Shortcake costume to Strung-Out Strawberry Surprise.)

8. All's fair on the Midway. Feel free to knock down small children in order to get to the front of the line for any rides. Take their prizes if you don't win. Children need to learn that life isn't fair, and if you can't learn that at THE FAIR, where can you?

9. Ever notice how all the beauty queens (from the 0-6 mo. "Diaper Derby" winner to the High School Queen) are separated throughout the parade? This isn't an accident. These winners are divas (or diaper divas), and they cannot be around each other without starting a fight. If you have the opportunity, start a rumor that could lead to an all out fist-fight on the float filled with the "runner's up". Or just make fun of them. Either way it's a good time.

10. Take the time to drink in the people. Enjoy the masses: Goth beauties with giant pink pandas won by their Goth boyfriends, rich Hipsters desperately trying to stay clean, Rednecks with their shirts unbuttoned except the very last one, creating a J.Lo. infamous green dress effect, and Soccer Moms yelling at their children in the parade to "smile!" and "use more jazz hand!"

Fat Girls Guide to Bachelorette Parties

When a woman is about to embark on a lifelong commitment to another person, her friends will come together to celebrate the grand change she will soon experience in her life.

These parties are often quiet affairs, held at someone's home, and involve eating small sandwiches and tea while talking about curtains.


Haha. Just kidding. Bachelorette Parties are wild affairs that result in a lifetime of embarassment for the bride-to-be and plenty of incriminating evidence for her friends.

Fat Girls put on the best Bachelorette Parties.

Although a strange phenomenon, these usually all-female parties involve an overabundance of penis-themed party favors, including (but not limited to) penis poppers (that shoot small penis-shaped confetti around the room), penis necklaces, penis straws, etc.

As a leader in the Fat Girl Movement, I need to ask a question: why do we celebrate a woman with a penis party? I don't get it. And anyway, it's not like the penis is the most beautiful organ to have to look at. Why isn't everything shaped like a vagina? Can I not drink my mimosa through a vagina straw? Could I not wear a hat shaped like the vagina that announces to the world that I am a bride-to-be? And why would you give me a penis-shaped cake when I would rather have two mounds of sweet cake goodness shaped like boobs?

I call on whoever is creative and entreprenurial to put together a line of vajayjay party-gear for the next generation of Fat Girls to use at their bachelorette parties.

Besides the rampant use of genitalia as decoration, it is important for many parties to involve alcohol. Many drinks involve fun words like "nipple" "nurple" "and "tequila". Alcohol definately helps those at a bachelorette party feel more comfortable when someone brings out the "lolly cock" lollipop.

It should be noted, too, that when gifts are given at bachelorette parties they often seem to be focused on sex. I prefer to give gifts that are FOR the bride and are actually practical (when will edible underwear be practical? I mean, that is a recipe for more time spent cleaning up than enjoying). Why not a back massager for when she throws her back out rolling her husband over when he snores? A membership to AAA would be great, once she realizes her husband doesn't actually know how to fix cars. How about a gift certificate for one non-American baby adoption for when her life spins wildly out of control and she wakes up at 39 and realizes she never had a child but feels the need to impart on another life the messed up values of her own family traditions?

Bachelorette Parties should NOT include the following:

1. Male Strippers. Who thinks that is sexy? Ick.
2. Female Strippers. Why do I need to spend time with someone else's lady places?
3. Prudish friends. What happens when wearing the vagina necklace is not really a bride's fault.
4. Parents, grandparents, or future in-laws. Seriously. No.
5. Thin women who won't drink because "alcohol is soo much harder to burn off at the gym."

Viva la Vagina!

Fat Girls Guide: Things to Avoid in Court

Fat Girls may, on occassion, find themselves on the business end of a judge's death-stare. This is due in large part to the fact that Fat Girls 1) don't back down, 2) defend others, and 3) like their liquor and their men the same way: in excess.

The majority of Fat Girls understand basic behavior rules when in a court of law, but it seems that most people do not. Therefore, it is important to remember a few key tips that will increase the likelyhood you will not be sharing a cell with Paris Hilton but rather will spend 11 months and 29 days sweet-talkin' your cute probation officer.

1. Do not wear anything that you might wear to a club or that has caused you to be confused with prostitutes. This includes that awesome pink skirt that delicately exposes your lady bits and has proven very popular with the guys.

2. Silence your cell phone. The dude with the gun standing up at the front of the court room is REALLY bored. He loves to play games, and has no problem taking your phone the first chance he gets.

3. Don't sass. Anyone. Period. They have guns.

4. Actually show up. Contrary to popular opinion, your ass WILL go to jail if you fail to appear. Dog the Bounty Hunter will not come find you (unless you're a millionaire rapist or a surfer dude from Hawaii) and lecture you about becoming a better person before he lovingly takes you back to jail. Your ass will be thrown into a cop car, your anus will be searched for contraband, and in the morning you will sit in the courtroom, without underwear and shoelaces, to explain to the judge why you couldn't be there.

5. Take snacks. Judges are robots who only need 15 minutes a day to eat and poop. You need more time (because you're a human). But don't eat or drink in the courtroom. That dude with the gun who is using your minutes to text his mom is thirsty, too.

6. When on the stand DO NOT ACCUSE ANYONE OF HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THE OPPOSING LAWYER.

You might not be Johnny Cochran, but you can avoid looking like an dumb ass.

Fat Girls Guide to (Fat) Girls Gone Wild

Well, well, well. Fat Girls do love a good come-up-ens.

The purveyor of the wildly successful Girls Gone Wild videos (and now a clothing line! Oh boy!!) is in jail.

Anal rape ain't such a turn on when it happens to you, is it, Joe?

Fat Girls hate predators.

(pervy predators, not the Nashville Predators NHL team. Some of them are beautiful. We love them.)

Fat Girls believe in taking personal responsibility, so while Joe "I hope no one is filming this" Francis is a douchebag, we must hold the girls (surely they cannot be women. I am a woman. We are not the same.) responsible, too. Ladies, because it seems many of you do not have a Fat Girl in your life to keep yo ass straight, here are some tips:

1. Girls flash their breasts whenever asked. Women give you a cleavage tease and a swift kick in the ass.
2. Girls hook up. Women keep the hook on that bra in place until the time is right.
3. Girls think in the present. Women plan ahead so they'll be ready for important things (like free ice cream).
4. Girls don't recognize warning signs. Women know a skeezy dickhead when they see one.
5. Girls will do anything in front of a camera. Women know to demand makeup, a food table, and an ass double before they'll even have their driver's license photo taken, much less a movie.


With the Girls Gone Wild creator in jail now, it's time for a NEW girls gone wild.

Fat Girls Gone Wild.

Imagine it:

3 women, sizes 10, 14, and 20, push over a frail tanorexic to reach the last scoop of Chunky Monkey at the Ben & Jerry's store. Then, in a sugar-induced haze they cruise the streets looking for men dating women totally out of their league. When they spot one they jump out of their car, pull out his new hair, and show the unwitting date his AARP card. With their good deed done for the day the 3 fat girls gone wild head to the club for a little VIP. They give the bouncer a break and proceed to take the law into their own hands using only a spatula, someone's weave, and Queen sized pantyhose.

THAT, my friends, is Girls Gone Wild.

Fat Girls Guide to The Hospital

When going into the following situations, it is important to have back up:

1. A drug house with a warrant
2. A biker bar
3. A Star Trek convention wearing a Chewbaka costume
4. A 9 year old girl's slumber party
5. The hospital

Fat girls may not be the ideal people to bring to all of these occassions, but Fat Girls are the kind of people you want with you when you go to the hospital.

Why?

Because we tend to be bossy. Wait, scratch that, we tend to be bitchy. And we can party all night.

When you go to the hospital you are:

A. About to die and therefore unable to pay attention to anything but your pain
B. Scared out of your mind
C. unconscious
D. a combination of A, B, and C


Because of the above reasons, it is important to have someone who will serve as your bodygaurd.

No matter how nice a doctor may be, s/he tends to have some control issues. They know that most of us have no idea what they are talking about ("decussation of superior cerebellar peduncles" What the hell is that?) plus they know you're afraid and probably unable to say no to whatever they want to do to you. You might often hear doctors saying, "I'd explain it to you, but it's very complicated" or "if you'd like a second opinion, I would suggest you do it immediately. My time is valuable".

Most people, because they are afraid and non-confrontational, tend to back down. Fat Girls never back down. We're willing to corner a doctor using a portable toilet, an IV rack, and a but-less gown. We're willing to cuss out a doctor when someone needs more pain medication, a second opinion, or more jell-o.

Fat Girls don't fear doctors.

Doctors fear Fat Girls.

A good nurse will love a Fat Girl. Fat Girls don't ask for help until it's necessary. Need a bed pan? We'll go find one. Want more jell-o? We'll grab one off an unused tray. No need to call the nurse.

A bad nurse? Bad nurses also tend to hate Fat Girls. See, if you're a nurse and you sit on your ass in your little station chatting it up with other bad nurses, you'll find a Fat Girl waiting to chew you out. If you plan to raise your voice at a patient because they did something that, oh I don't know, sick people would do (like vomit), you'll get a Fat Girls slap to the face.

Bad nurses prey on the weak.

Fat Girls prey on bad nurses.

Fat Girls are also willing to stay overnight in your room. When everyone who didn't have a Fat Girl in their room at 3 a.m. is buzzing the nurses station asking for more ice chips or for help to the toilet, a Fat Girl went to the liquor store for ice and brought a toilet to you.

Fat Girls care. A true Fat Girl will help you and the person in the bed next to you.

Accept no imitations.

The Fat Girls Guide to People Watching

A Fat Girls night out is complete with a trip to a large public place such as a bus station, airport, or central booking for any metropolitan police department.

Why?

Simple. Fat Girls love to people watch. The best things in life are free, and that includes snooping.

A true Fat Girl takes people watching to the next level. It's not enough to look at them; we must grade them.

Thus.

The Fat Girls guide to People Watching

1: The elusive 1 rating means you need an AMAZING sense of humor and all of George Clooney's charm just to make it through a day, and sex is probably out of the picture. Because of beer, these people do not exist.

2: Still sad, but not a 1, so they at least have that going for them.

3: This is rough, but they can have fulfilling lives. A LOT of people fall into this category. When you really start looking, it's startling.

4: Alright, now we're getting somewhere. A 4 has experienced a great deal of trauma from being made fun of, they may not be rocket scientists, but they are very nice people. Except the one's who think they are 10s when they're really 4s. Those people are just bitches.

5: You're normal. Average. No one is going to point you out in the crowd for being amazing or shield their children from your DNA. The trademark of a 5 is one or two excellent attributes (such as a really great ass or amazing hair) that, when combined with everything else, makes you think, "man, that ass is as as out of place as Paris Hilton in church."

6: Just above average. Overall, you're good. When in a group someone will notice your physical appearance and suggest, without alcohol, that they would, "do you".

7: This is where most people aspire to land. You're a good looking person and, even if you're overwheight or struggling with a physical ailment (such as acne or an oddly placed birthmark) people will still describe you as attractive. Jobs are a little easier to get, but you still had better be smart.

8: You always dreamed of moving to Los Angeles/New York/Las Vegas/Miami to break into acting/theatre/dancing/modeling. You could probably make a career out of it, but you need to lose 10 lbs, start smoking, and don't ever admit to those pictures you took "for your boyfriend". Or you could just live on reality tv.

9: Wow. You're a celebrity. You may not be on People's List every year, but you've made it. If somehow you did not make it to Hollywood, you are probably living in a nice home, driving a nice SUV, and you're a member of an elite church. Most people hate you, and you probably hate yourself. Eating disorders are a common side effect.

10: Reserved for George Clooney, Angelina Jolie's lips, and that one woman you saw topless on a trip to Jamaica/Bali/French Rivera when you were in college.

With that scale in mind, it is important to recognize dating protocol to maintain balance in your relationships:

1s - 5s should only date 2 steps above or below them. For example: a 4 can date a 2 or a 6. A 5 could go from a 3 all the way up to a 7 . 1's should just buy stock in beer companies.

6's can only date 4-7. 8s are just a little too ambitious.

7s can only date 6-8. Let's face it, 9s are out of their league.

8s can only date 7 -9. Their low-level careers are delicately balanced and cannot afford an ugly partner, and their precarious position could damage someone too high.

9s can date an 8 (but only with a great personality) or a 10.

10s can date a 9 (to show other 10s they can keep it real) or another 10.

Keep these scales in mind when sitting in the park/looking for a date/checking out match.com.

Fat Girls Guide to Small Dick Syndrome

A phenomenon many Fat Girls will encounter in their lifetimes is one I refer to as "Small Dick Syndrome". This typically is an issue with men although it can afflict women.

Small Dick Syndrome (SDS) is a disease that causes an individual to belittle or otherwise demene another person in order to make themselves feel superior. It can also result in the purchase of crotch rockets, sports cars, hair implants, cosmetic surgery, and/or steroids.

When confronted with SDS, a true Fat Girl usually cannot keep her mouth shut for long. While respectful and able to eat a great deal of shit in order to keep the peace (Fat Girls always try to keep the peace), eventually the need to put someone in their place will overwhelm their senses.

Commonly used phrases to sink an SDS ship include:

"Is there a small dick in here or is it just you?"

"I don't care how fast your car is, it ain't gonna make your dick grow."

and everyone's favorite:

"You're not fooling anyone with that fake ass hair, you dickless wonder."

When confronting a female exhibiting the signs of SDS, a Fat Girl has to get creative.

"Honey, I don't know who confused you, but your dick isn't small, it just doesn't exist."

or

"Excuse me, did you forget you vagina today, sweetheart?"

Bear in mind, all Fat Girls will eventually say something about SDS. It may come out to the individual or it may come out during a one-upmanship of storytelling during a girls night out event at a local bar, but it will come out.

A Fat Girl will never be quiet for long.

The Fat Girls Guide to Post-Break-Up

Let's face it. Fat Girls tend to be a handful. We're mouthy, outrageous, and quite frankly, intimidating.

With that in mind, it's important that we recognize the rules of post-break-up.

1. According to a recent fat-girl-to-fat-girl conversation, once you break up you should give the relationship a set period of time before you officially move on (i.e. change your myspace page).
This time frame can be established using Fat Girls Math:

x= Length of relationship (converted into hours)
y=time it takes to finish off a gallon of ice cream
z= how long you wait

x + y * .10 / 3 = z

For Example:

1(365X24) year + 2 hours * .10 / 3 = 292 hours

z= 12 days

2. Beware of rebound relationships. Rebound relationships are usually where people get Herpes.

3. Unless you are a hipster or a preteen/teen, do not use your myspace page as the place to "get back" at your ex.

4. Don't wait on someone who doesn't want to change the way things were. You broke up for a reason. If someone can't handle a Fat Girl, you gotta move on.

5. Do not destroy any of your ex's personal property. This can be considered destruction of property. Prison doesn't make jumpsuits big enough for a Fat Girl.

Fat Girls Guide: Why We Hate Domestic Violence, part 1

Fat Girls always believe in speaking their mind. They often do so with a sprinking of swear words and follow it up with excessive ice cream.

Alec Baldwin is NOT a Fat Girl.

While we may all love Alec on 30 Rock, the following is an example of his abusive behavior.

Those who abuse want control. They decide the time, the place, and what will happen. When anyone gets in the way of that, they have lost control and will do what they feel is necessary to regain the power.

Alec Baldwin left this message for his DAUGHTER. Not his wife, which while still completely abusive and inappropriate would still be between adults. No, this is left for his pre-teen daughter.

You see, people, Fat Girls hate domestic violence. We abhor anyone trying to take away someone's power and make them afraid. Fat Girls hate fear.

Fat Girls empower.

Of course, more will come on domestic violence in the Fat Girls Guide, but this is such a blatant example that it was a good way to introduce the uninformed to the issue of domestic violence.

Below is the message transcript:

"Hey I wanna tell you something, okay? and I want to leave a message for you right now cause again it's 10:30 here in New York on a Wednesday and once again I've made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone to call you at a specific time. When the time comes for me to make the phone call, I stop whatever I'm doing and I go and I make that phone call at 11 o'clock at morning in New York and, if you don't pick up the phone, at 10 o'clock at night and you don't even have the god damned phone turned on. I want you to know something, okay? I'm tired of playing this game with you. I'm leaving this message with you to tell you, you have insulted me for the last time. You have insulted me. You don't have the brains or the decency as a human being. I don't give a damn that you're 12 years old or 11 years old or that you're a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn't care about what you do as far as I'm concerned. You have humiliated me for the last time with this phone. And when I come out there next week, I'm gonna fly out there for the day just to straighten you out on this issue. I'm going to let you know just how disappointed in you I am and how angry I am with you that you've done this to me again. You've made mefeel like shit and you've made me feel like a fool over and over and over again and this crap you pull on me with this god damned phone situation that you would never dream of doing to your mother, and you do it to me constantly and over and over again. I'm going to get on a plane, and I'm going to come out there for the day and I'm going to straighten your ass out when I see you, do you understand me? I'm going to really make sure you get it, then I'm going to get on a plane, turn around and come home. So you better be ready Friday the 20th to meet with me so I can let you know just how I feel about what a rotten little pig you really are. You are a rude, thoughtless little pig, okay?"

What the Hell? A Fat Girl's Guide to the Fat Girls Guide

Welcome to the Fat Girls Guide!

Once the shock and awe of the very idea of a Fat Girls Guide has worn off, let me explain to you just what The Fat Girls Guide is.

Fat Girls do things differently. It's just the way things are. Their way isn't better or worse, although it is usually funnier, louder, and sweatier.

I believe that more people should do things the Fat Girls way, and so I'm writing a blog to help people understand just how to bring out their inner (or outer!) Fat Girl.


Before we go any further, I should define a fat girl.

Fat /fat/ Girl /girl/: n. 1. A female human who's weight and attitude is considered larger than the norm (currently considered over a size 2). 2. A female human having experienced emotional torment during prepubescent development (regardless of size), 3. Some small-waisted women with a bitchy attitude, 4. Some men, 5. Anyone who compulsively eats Ice Cream.


Understand?

No?

Here's a few tips for spotting the not-so-elusive Fat Girl:

* Need to "put you in your place" when you make a dumbass comment
* Unnecessary to excessive use of foul/off color language
* Strong opinions
* Righteous indignation
* Desire to stand out in a crowd
* Lack of concern over exposure of flesh normally covered by clothing
* Above average intelligence
* Razor sharp whit
* Excellence in bed
* Low number of previous romantic relationships due to high intimidation factor
* Excessive need for ice cream


Fat Girls are everywhere. They tend to be in charge, and they tend to keep you in your place.

Ever wonder how to do something? Let The Fat Girls Guide tell you how it's done.