The Fat Girls Guide to Unpacking

After recently moving, I realized I am an f-ing fantastic packer but a horrible unpacker.

Then it dawned on me: I'm lazy.

Are all Fat Girls lazy? I believe they are, only not to the extent I am.

Packing is exciting. A new place to live, a chance to purge the clothes from your wardrobe that you now realize you will never fit into again, and the opportunity to really figure out what that smell was under your bed 2 years ago.

But unpacking. Blech.

Suddenly you realize you only actually need a pair of footie pajamas, your ipod, and a blow up mattress to survive.

When you first have this amazing revelation you begin to think, "what else can I live without?"

So you stop unpacking clothes because you know you did a shitty job packing them in the first place and you hate ironing. Once you begin rotating the same 4 shirts and the same 2 pairs of pants, you look to other rooms. Do I really need more than 1 dish? Can I cook everything in the microwave?

Yes, yes you can.


You'll know you've reached optimum Fat Girl laziness when you stop unpacking the bathroom.


Don't stop unpacking the bathroom.


Do you really need a blow dryer?

Yes.



Can I use just one towel?



No.



Where is my toilet paper?



Find it. Now.

There are times when Fat Girls are role models.

This is not one of those times.

Addendendum: I Don't Know How to Spell Addendum

Due to this year's VMA awards, it might be time to add to the List of Things That Generally Frustrate.

V. Level Five: I Hope Kevin Federline Wins Full Custodial Rights: Britney Spears from the moment she got on stage at the VMAs. I mean seriously, did y'all see it? It was bad.

Fat Girls Guide to Things That Generally Frustrate

Part of being a Fat Girl is a general frustration (of varying degrees, of course) for people who do certain (stupid) things.

This frustration comes in levels:

I. Level One: Questionable Taste, but I'll Overlook It: Skorts, Britney Spears (old stuff), Beanie Baby Collectibles, TV shows about giving birth, "I'll just have a bite" of dessert.

II. Level Two: I'll Still Be Your Friend, but I Have to Bring This Up: Jorts (jean shorts), listening to Delilah on the radio, Howie Mandell, small dogs, "Cute" Looney Toon tattoos.

III. Level Three: This May Just Ruin Our Friendship: Celine Dion, pastel pantsuits, statements such as "I just don't understand sports", small dogs in clothing, boyfriends smaller than you are.

IV. Level Four: That's It. I May Poke You In the Eye: Britney Spears (2002-present), high-waisted pants, not wearing underwear ever, excitement over High School Music III, anything resembling the statements made by Miss Teen South Carolina, sugar-free ice cream.

Fat Girls Guide to Buffets

I recently went to a banquet that involved a VERY good bread pudding as dessert.

Fat Girls don't do well at buffet-style events.

You see, Fat Girls get their money's worth. If I spent $20 on a meal (which I rarely do), I want $20 worth of food.

If I cannot eat $20 worth of food, I will take $20 worth of food.

All is fair in a buffet.

Fat Girls naturally gravitate towards large purses, in part, because they often steal food.

I think of it less as theft and more as maintaining a certain lifestyle to which I have become accustomed to.

Our other issue at a buffet event is going back for seconds.

Do we call out to everyone "Y'all done? Cause I'm goin' in again!"

Do act sneaky so people think we're ashamed of ourselves (but we're not)?

Or do we just bring the dessert plate back to our table, because we all know Fat Girls tend to congregate at the same table and everyone was thinking of bringing back the dessert plate anyway?

And if, like I experienced tonight, you're at an event (and not an all-you-can-eat restaurant) you can't just get up once someone starts speaking.

Fat Girls don't follow that rule.

If I want more bread pudding, I'll get it when I damn well please, and I'll kindly thank you to shut the hell up and wait for me.

And if these issues weren't enough, I haven't even covered the reality that there is always the dumb ass caterer who thinks it's OK to start removing food once the last person has gone through the line.

Did they not see me? Do they not understand I am a Fat Girl and need time to decide just how much bread pudding I plan to consume?

Please note, if you are a non-Fat Girl reading this, and you are planning an important business meeting: do not have it as a buffet lunch if you're working with Fat Girls. We will not pay attention to you and will miss all the important information you are telling us.

I will, however, remember the name of the waiter who helped me spoon out the last of the cheese sauce so my broccoli would be a little less vegetable and a lot more fabulous.

The Bitch is Back!

Yeah, I took some time off.

Suck it.

You don't own me.

Actually, I'm been avoiding the wide world of my mind because sometimes I just don't want to think.

Fat girls think too much.

Often about ice cream.

This post goes out to the ladies of the Nashville Civic Design Center who said they love me.

I love you, too, you skinny bitches.

I'll be posting again soon! I recently moved to a small town.

Believe me, I've got lots of material.