Fat Girls Guide to Respecting Your Elders (Because They Can Kick Your Ass)

THIS is what Fat Girls are like when they get old.



To get the story on this AWESOME video: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/6698221.stm

Fat Girls Guide to the Wedding Day (Part 1)

In honor of a beloved Fat Girl who is marrying this weekend, it is time for the first of what will certainly be many installments of The Fat Girls Guide to the Wedding Day.

While most people are married with very few problems, Fat Girls tend to have a flair for the dramatic and the experience that things don't go bad, they go outrageous.

A Fat Girl Bride should prepare for anything. Her wedding isn't just a wedding, it's an exerpt from those Worst Case Scenario books.

For example:

Your family will fuck something up. It's just going to happen. They might not mean to, they may feel really bad about it, but they're gonna do something. Expect your grandfather's brother to lose his fake hair in your punch bowl, your niece to run screaming down the isle with no underwear rather than a basket of flowers, or a fight to break out between your weird second cousins. You should also prepare for one family member to announce they are gay.


Someone will vomit.

If your family or friends are less than happy about your nuptuals, prepare for them to act out. They cannot control themselves. People assume that because you are fat you are also stupid. This, of course, is not true. Providing drinks before the wedding that are tipped with Zanax should keep them under control, but if you go with this plan, prepare for nudity and karaoke from your guests.

The groom will mess up the vows. You are perfect, he is not. It's ok.

When the photographer tries to make you do something you do not want to do, please don't feel obligated. The photographer is your employee. Refrain from physical violence against him should he want some dumbass photo like the groom pulling off a garter with his teeth. You will not be allowed to wear your wedding dress for long when they take you to jail.

Pets should always be welcome at a wedding. They should also be bathed, groomed, and properly restrained. You only wish that could be said for your family.

At least one guest (most likely another Fat Girl) will do something to attempt to embarrass you. She could pinch your boob, grab the groom's butt, moon you, or even butt tag you. Prepare for the ambush.

And finally, a smart bride will avoid high reception costs by substituting purchased alcohol with moonshine. Readily available from any rural community (regardless of where you live in America), moonshine is perfect for a wedding. It's great flavored (strawberry is my favorite) and it works in any drink you might prepare with traditional alcohol (who doesn't love a moonshine margarita?). It is also extremely potent, causing most guests to pass out quickly and giving you a clear shot at making a run for it.

Cheers!

Fat Girls Guide to Home Invasion

It is a safe assumption that everyone who reads this will be afraid at some point in their lives. Some of us have rational fears (death, spiders, a Republican controlled Congress/White House/Supreme Court)and some of us have irrational fears (elves under your bed that will eat you if any part of your body falls off the side while you sleep, snakes coming out of the pool filter and killing you, pitbulls).

To each her own when it comes to fear.

But one fear most everyone shares is home invasion. Not only are we afraid that we will not be able to defend ourselves, but it is also terrible to think someone was in your home without your permission (mother-in-law visits should not be included in this definition of home invasion).

To avoid home invasion, many of us have alarm systems, guns, pit bulls, iron bars, etc. But nothing can truly keep you safe from an invasion.

You might be completely prepared to avoid a home invasion, but I bet you're not prepared for actually being invaded.

Fat Girls know how to respond to crisis (we survived junior high, didn't we?), so here's some tips:

1. In preparation of an invasion, baseball bats should be placed in locations for easy ass-beating: next to your bed, at the foot of the stairs, in a burglar's ass, etc.
2. If you believe someone is on your property or attempting to break into your home, don't scream. Call 911 and boil some water. Once the water has reached boiling, throw it on the burglar. Enjoy the screaming while you wait for the police.
3. If you have a dog, be sure to post a "Beware of Dog" sign. That way, when your dog rips into a burglar's leg like you rip into a pint of Ben 'n' Jerry's, you're covered.
4. Hit the lights. Or hit the burglar with a lamp. Either way, his ass is yours.
5. Remember, guns don't kill people, Fat Girls kill people.
6. When it's all over, consider sitting on the floor in the fetal position near your freezer. Access the ice cream when necessary to calm your nerves. It is recommended to wait until the police leave your home before you start this process.
7. Hang a metal scrotum above your entryways as a good luck charm/warning to all who enter. These can be purchased wherever men purchase specialty truck parts (they really exist).
8. Trust your instincts. Let your inner Fat Girl guide you.

Fat Girls Guide to Small Town Fairs

Ah, summer. the community pools open up, Pasty White America reduce the clothing they wear in public, and small towns across the country have fairs celebrating the things that make them special (fruit/vegetables, famous animals, mass murder crime scenes, etc.).

Like all Americans, Fat Girls love the fair. Who doesn't love the opportunity to eat anything you can think of fried while listening to a local cover band play Eric Clapton hits?

To properly enjoy a fair you must come prepared!

1. If there is a parade (If? I mean when.), be sure to put your chairs out at least a day in advance in order to ensure you'll be able to see the floats and beauty queens. Or you can get there late and knock over some poor toddler to take her place in front. You know you're gonna do it once they start throwing candy anyway.

2. Bring cash. Fat Girls love credit cards, of course, but they are rarely accepted at the fried banana stand. Cash also comes in handy when you need to bribe a carnie to let you stay on the Ferris wheel all day.

3. Get your face painted. Ask for the most difficult, impossible-to-put-on-a-face drawing ever, just to piss off the artist. Then forget about it 2 hours later and start hitting on that cute guy you've noticed at work. Always a turn on.

4. Limit your clothing. You will be in the sun, and she's a bitch. Unless you want a horrible tan line, that is.

5. Consider forming a Fat Girls coalition to petition City Hall/Chamber of Commerce to allow nudity at the fair. Not only would it increase the people watching potential, it would eliminate tan lines (unless you wear shoes or accessories).

6. Buy a tacky hat/plastic inflatable cartoon character/invisible dog on a leash. It's OK as long as you're at the fair.

7. If your fair involves a theme (Donkey Days, Strung-out Strawberry Surprise, Macaroni Madness, etc.) consider dressing in homage to the theme. (for example: Wear a Strawberry Shortcake costume to Strung-Out Strawberry Surprise.)

8. All's fair on the Midway. Feel free to knock down small children in order to get to the front of the line for any rides. Take their prizes if you don't win. Children need to learn that life isn't fair, and if you can't learn that at THE FAIR, where can you?

9. Ever notice how all the beauty queens (from the 0-6 mo. "Diaper Derby" winner to the High School Queen) are separated throughout the parade? This isn't an accident. These winners are divas (or diaper divas), and they cannot be around each other without starting a fight. If you have the opportunity, start a rumor that could lead to an all out fist-fight on the float filled with the "runner's up". Or just make fun of them. Either way it's a good time.

10. Take the time to drink in the people. Enjoy the masses: Goth beauties with giant pink pandas won by their Goth boyfriends, rich Hipsters desperately trying to stay clean, Rednecks with their shirts unbuttoned except the very last one, creating a J.Lo. infamous green dress effect, and Soccer Moms yelling at their children in the parade to "smile!" and "use more jazz hand!"

Fat Girls Guide to Bachelorette Parties

When a woman is about to embark on a lifelong commitment to another person, her friends will come together to celebrate the grand change she will soon experience in her life.

These parties are often quiet affairs, held at someone's home, and involve eating small sandwiches and tea while talking about curtains.


Haha. Just kidding. Bachelorette Parties are wild affairs that result in a lifetime of embarassment for the bride-to-be and plenty of incriminating evidence for her friends.

Fat Girls put on the best Bachelorette Parties.

Although a strange phenomenon, these usually all-female parties involve an overabundance of penis-themed party favors, including (but not limited to) penis poppers (that shoot small penis-shaped confetti around the room), penis necklaces, penis straws, etc.

As a leader in the Fat Girl Movement, I need to ask a question: why do we celebrate a woman with a penis party? I don't get it. And anyway, it's not like the penis is the most beautiful organ to have to look at. Why isn't everything shaped like a vagina? Can I not drink my mimosa through a vagina straw? Could I not wear a hat shaped like the vagina that announces to the world that I am a bride-to-be? And why would you give me a penis-shaped cake when I would rather have two mounds of sweet cake goodness shaped like boobs?

I call on whoever is creative and entreprenurial to put together a line of vajayjay party-gear for the next generation of Fat Girls to use at their bachelorette parties.

Besides the rampant use of genitalia as decoration, it is important for many parties to involve alcohol. Many drinks involve fun words like "nipple" "nurple" "and "tequila". Alcohol definately helps those at a bachelorette party feel more comfortable when someone brings out the "lolly cock" lollipop.

It should be noted, too, that when gifts are given at bachelorette parties they often seem to be focused on sex. I prefer to give gifts that are FOR the bride and are actually practical (when will edible underwear be practical? I mean, that is a recipe for more time spent cleaning up than enjoying). Why not a back massager for when she throws her back out rolling her husband over when he snores? A membership to AAA would be great, once she realizes her husband doesn't actually know how to fix cars. How about a gift certificate for one non-American baby adoption for when her life spins wildly out of control and she wakes up at 39 and realizes she never had a child but feels the need to impart on another life the messed up values of her own family traditions?

Bachelorette Parties should NOT include the following:

1. Male Strippers. Who thinks that is sexy? Ick.
2. Female Strippers. Why do I need to spend time with someone else's lady places?
3. Prudish friends. What happens when wearing the vagina necklace is not really a bride's fault.
4. Parents, grandparents, or future in-laws. Seriously. No.
5. Thin women who won't drink because "alcohol is soo much harder to burn off at the gym."

Viva la Vagina!

Fat Girls Guide: Things to Avoid in Court

Fat Girls may, on occassion, find themselves on the business end of a judge's death-stare. This is due in large part to the fact that Fat Girls 1) don't back down, 2) defend others, and 3) like their liquor and their men the same way: in excess.

The majority of Fat Girls understand basic behavior rules when in a court of law, but it seems that most people do not. Therefore, it is important to remember a few key tips that will increase the likelyhood you will not be sharing a cell with Paris Hilton but rather will spend 11 months and 29 days sweet-talkin' your cute probation officer.

1. Do not wear anything that you might wear to a club or that has caused you to be confused with prostitutes. This includes that awesome pink skirt that delicately exposes your lady bits and has proven very popular with the guys.

2. Silence your cell phone. The dude with the gun standing up at the front of the court room is REALLY bored. He loves to play games, and has no problem taking your phone the first chance he gets.

3. Don't sass. Anyone. Period. They have guns.

4. Actually show up. Contrary to popular opinion, your ass WILL go to jail if you fail to appear. Dog the Bounty Hunter will not come find you (unless you're a millionaire rapist or a surfer dude from Hawaii) and lecture you about becoming a better person before he lovingly takes you back to jail. Your ass will be thrown into a cop car, your anus will be searched for contraband, and in the morning you will sit in the courtroom, without underwear and shoelaces, to explain to the judge why you couldn't be there.

5. Take snacks. Judges are robots who only need 15 minutes a day to eat and poop. You need more time (because you're a human). But don't eat or drink in the courtroom. That dude with the gun who is using your minutes to text his mom is thirsty, too.

6. When on the stand DO NOT ACCUSE ANYONE OF HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THE OPPOSING LAWYER.

You might not be Johnny Cochran, but you can avoid looking like an dumb ass.

Fat Girls Guide to (Fat) Girls Gone Wild

Well, well, well. Fat Girls do love a good come-up-ens.

The purveyor of the wildly successful Girls Gone Wild videos (and now a clothing line! Oh boy!!) is in jail.

Anal rape ain't such a turn on when it happens to you, is it, Joe?

Fat Girls hate predators.

(pervy predators, not the Nashville Predators NHL team. Some of them are beautiful. We love them.)

Fat Girls believe in taking personal responsibility, so while Joe "I hope no one is filming this" Francis is a douchebag, we must hold the girls (surely they cannot be women. I am a woman. We are not the same.) responsible, too. Ladies, because it seems many of you do not have a Fat Girl in your life to keep yo ass straight, here are some tips:

1. Girls flash their breasts whenever asked. Women give you a cleavage tease and a swift kick in the ass.
2. Girls hook up. Women keep the hook on that bra in place until the time is right.
3. Girls think in the present. Women plan ahead so they'll be ready for important things (like free ice cream).
4. Girls don't recognize warning signs. Women know a skeezy dickhead when they see one.
5. Girls will do anything in front of a camera. Women know to demand makeup, a food table, and an ass double before they'll even have their driver's license photo taken, much less a movie.


With the Girls Gone Wild creator in jail now, it's time for a NEW girls gone wild.

Fat Girls Gone Wild.

Imagine it:

3 women, sizes 10, 14, and 20, push over a frail tanorexic to reach the last scoop of Chunky Monkey at the Ben & Jerry's store. Then, in a sugar-induced haze they cruise the streets looking for men dating women totally out of their league. When they spot one they jump out of their car, pull out his new hair, and show the unwitting date his AARP card. With their good deed done for the day the 3 fat girls gone wild head to the club for a little VIP. They give the bouncer a break and proceed to take the law into their own hands using only a spatula, someone's weave, and Queen sized pantyhose.

THAT, my friends, is Girls Gone Wild.

Fat Girls Guide to The Hospital

When going into the following situations, it is important to have back up:

1. A drug house with a warrant
2. A biker bar
3. A Star Trek convention wearing a Chewbaka costume
4. A 9 year old girl's slumber party
5. The hospital

Fat girls may not be the ideal people to bring to all of these occassions, but Fat Girls are the kind of people you want with you when you go to the hospital.

Why?

Because we tend to be bossy. Wait, scratch that, we tend to be bitchy. And we can party all night.

When you go to the hospital you are:

A. About to die and therefore unable to pay attention to anything but your pain
B. Scared out of your mind
C. unconscious
D. a combination of A, B, and C


Because of the above reasons, it is important to have someone who will serve as your bodygaurd.

No matter how nice a doctor may be, s/he tends to have some control issues. They know that most of us have no idea what they are talking about ("decussation of superior cerebellar peduncles" What the hell is that?) plus they know you're afraid and probably unable to say no to whatever they want to do to you. You might often hear doctors saying, "I'd explain it to you, but it's very complicated" or "if you'd like a second opinion, I would suggest you do it immediately. My time is valuable".

Most people, because they are afraid and non-confrontational, tend to back down. Fat Girls never back down. We're willing to corner a doctor using a portable toilet, an IV rack, and a but-less gown. We're willing to cuss out a doctor when someone needs more pain medication, a second opinion, or more jell-o.

Fat Girls don't fear doctors.

Doctors fear Fat Girls.

A good nurse will love a Fat Girl. Fat Girls don't ask for help until it's necessary. Need a bed pan? We'll go find one. Want more jell-o? We'll grab one off an unused tray. No need to call the nurse.

A bad nurse? Bad nurses also tend to hate Fat Girls. See, if you're a nurse and you sit on your ass in your little station chatting it up with other bad nurses, you'll find a Fat Girl waiting to chew you out. If you plan to raise your voice at a patient because they did something that, oh I don't know, sick people would do (like vomit), you'll get a Fat Girls slap to the face.

Bad nurses prey on the weak.

Fat Girls prey on bad nurses.

Fat Girls are also willing to stay overnight in your room. When everyone who didn't have a Fat Girl in their room at 3 a.m. is buzzing the nurses station asking for more ice chips or for help to the toilet, a Fat Girl went to the liquor store for ice and brought a toilet to you.

Fat Girls care. A true Fat Girl will help you and the person in the bed next to you.

Accept no imitations.