Fat Girls Guide to Traffic Jams

Summertime.

It's a time for vacations, tankinis (Fat Girls don't do the bikini in public. We prefer to keep it tanked), and road construction.

Yeah, I said it.

Road Construction.

Embrace it, my friends, because the bitch is back and she is pissed!

As we are all aware, many Fat Girls lack patience.

Because of our sheer girth we often have some minor issues with claustrophobia.


Road Construction: Lack of patience and frustration at not being able to move freely.


If you live in a state/province/territory/etc. that experiences snow, you are well aware that when the bears come out of hibernation, so do the people in the shiny yellow/green vests. If you live in the South you're probably used to seeing them year round, but they seem to multiply like rabbits when the weather turns to painfully, horribly hot.

Road Construction can cause anyone to swear. Fat Girls swear about how delicious their ice cream is (who doesn't use an m-f-fer now and then to describe Ben n Jerry's?), so you can only imagine how much swearing is involved when they are stuck in traffic.

With just a little preparation, Fat Girls can be ready to bear the injustice of being stuck in a line on the highway, usually behind the idiot blaring Styx.

1. Keep a pen and paper handy. You finally have time to write down the details from all those "How's my driving" bumper stickers.

2. Styxs my ass. Keep that ipod prepared with a "Best of the Worst" play list to blare whenever anyone thinks you should be subject to "Mr. Roboto".

3. To prepare for when that creepy guy with his arm hanging out the window of a beat up pick up truck starts to give you his best come hither wink, use your spare time in line to warm up your middle finger. You're gonna need to stretch for this one!

4. Go ahead, put on your make up! You might get arrested when your road rage really kicks in, so you might as well look as good as Paris Hilton in her mug shot.

5. When you know there will be heavy road construction, think about carpooling to save the environment. Then plan to bring ruffies so you can drug everyone in the car to avoid listening to them talk about their favorite drinks at Starbucks. Bastards.

6. in case you haven't done it already, puncture all the hoses for your air conditioning. If you're gonna be stuck in traffic for hours on end, you might as well do it with your head sticking out of the window like a dog waiting for a tractor trailer to release its air breaks or some idiot on a crotch rocket to blast past you in the hazard lane.

7. Just relax and breathe. You won't be able to accomplish any of your plans to take over the world if you're stressed because of traffic.

Fat Girls Guide to Home Stalking

Perhaps you have never attempted to purchase a home. Maybe you have millions of dollars (or your parents have millions of dollars and they like you), so when you want a home you simply point and say, "that one".

For the rest of us, we must research! We must do all the work a realtor normally does because we cannot afford Realtors!

We're poor!

Fat Girls, it seems, are often poor. It's a strange phenomenon, and I don't think it really has anything to do with being fat. I believe it has something to do with equal parts insatiable craving for ice cream (the good stuff, not that cheap crap) and the fact that we will help anyone in need. Low on funds and food? We'll buy you some groceries. Some potentially crazy homeless person needs our pocket change, we'll buy them a burger. It's a habit that often leaves us with limited funds to prepare for the future (although we certainly ponder a world with limited freezer capabilities- where would all the ice cream go?).

If you want to purchase a home but you have no money, it's important to know the market. Knowing the market means doing the following (when you don't have a realtor):

* Check all the home listing websites
* Cry when you see what is available in your price range ("Is there no clearance rack for homes??" sigh.)
* Neighborhood stalking

Now, the first two I'm sure you're familiar with, but neighborhood stalking? What is that and is it like that time you loved the boy next door and fell out of a tree watching him?


Yes, it's very much like the time you fell out of a tree watching a boy.


Neighborhood stalking is the time-honored tradition of poor people (read: Fat Girls) who need to find out if they really like a neighborhood before they sign their lives over.

But beware!

Neighborhood stalking can quickly deteriorate into stalking stalking. Police and those pesky neighborhood watch groups will notice a stalker stalker, but will not notice a neighborhood stalker.

Fat Girls who want to stalk have to take extra precautions. Mainly this is because we're fat, which means there is more of us to notice, but this is not the only reason, my friends, oh no.
As it has been noted before on The Fat Girls Guide, Fat Girls stand out because we're m-f-ing Fat Girls, and we're amazing. We don't just do our hips big, we do everything big. And that means that when we stalk, we tend to take it to extremes.

To avoid being arrested, here are a few tips if you plan to neighborhood stalk.

Please Note: The Fat Girls Guide is not responsible if you decide to stalk stalk and not just neighborhood stalk as a result of these tips. Neighborhood stalking is a fun way to get to know a community and see if it meets you needs. Stalking stalking is creepy and you're a big perv if you think you can stare at people and get off on it. That's just wrong.

Neighborhood Stalking 101 for Fat Girls:

1. Be aware of the vehicle you use. If your car is the only one in the area you've seen with bumper stickers such as "God is watching and She's pissed!", "Support Your Local Goddess: Buy Me Things" or "Real Men Don't Use Violence", people will notice. You will be quickly spotted. But, if you're the only one, do you really want to live with those bunch of losers?

2. Use the Buddy System. You cannot drive, make snide comments, AND take pictures. Well, you can, but that isn't safe. Having a friend in the vehicle gives you an extra set of eyes, someone to take the pictures, and will definitely sharpen your wit.

3. Call those Realtors and view those homes! It's a great way to begin snooping on potential neighbors. Plus, it's OK to look in the medicine cabinet of a home for sale because you're deciding if there's enough space for your crap, not just checking out what kind of deodorant they use.

4. Unless you have married a gay man do not bring your husband or significant other. They usually don't understand the need to take pictures of homes you don't intend to buy or look into closets and try on clothes that belong to strangers. Frankly, they're just not as exciting as you.

5. Be sure to check the neighborhood at different times. Sunday afternoon is very different than Friday night. Feel free to crash a small backyard get-together. It's a great way to meet people, and when you move into the neighborhood you've had a jump start on making out with everyone's husbands.