Fat Girls Guide to Home Stalking

Perhaps you have never attempted to purchase a home. Maybe you have millions of dollars (or your parents have millions of dollars and they like you), so when you want a home you simply point and say, "that one".

For the rest of us, we must research! We must do all the work a realtor normally does because we cannot afford Realtors!

We're poor!

Fat Girls, it seems, are often poor. It's a strange phenomenon, and I don't think it really has anything to do with being fat. I believe it has something to do with equal parts insatiable craving for ice cream (the good stuff, not that cheap crap) and the fact that we will help anyone in need. Low on funds and food? We'll buy you some groceries. Some potentially crazy homeless person needs our pocket change, we'll buy them a burger. It's a habit that often leaves us with limited funds to prepare for the future (although we certainly ponder a world with limited freezer capabilities- where would all the ice cream go?).

If you want to purchase a home but you have no money, it's important to know the market. Knowing the market means doing the following (when you don't have a realtor):

* Check all the home listing websites
* Cry when you see what is available in your price range ("Is there no clearance rack for homes??" sigh.)
* Neighborhood stalking

Now, the first two I'm sure you're familiar with, but neighborhood stalking? What is that and is it like that time you loved the boy next door and fell out of a tree watching him?


Yes, it's very much like the time you fell out of a tree watching a boy.


Neighborhood stalking is the time-honored tradition of poor people (read: Fat Girls) who need to find out if they really like a neighborhood before they sign their lives over.

But beware!

Neighborhood stalking can quickly deteriorate into stalking stalking. Police and those pesky neighborhood watch groups will notice a stalker stalker, but will not notice a neighborhood stalker.

Fat Girls who want to stalk have to take extra precautions. Mainly this is because we're fat, which means there is more of us to notice, but this is not the only reason, my friends, oh no.
As it has been noted before on The Fat Girls Guide, Fat Girls stand out because we're m-f-ing Fat Girls, and we're amazing. We don't just do our hips big, we do everything big. And that means that when we stalk, we tend to take it to extremes.

To avoid being arrested, here are a few tips if you plan to neighborhood stalk.

Please Note: The Fat Girls Guide is not responsible if you decide to stalk stalk and not just neighborhood stalk as a result of these tips. Neighborhood stalking is a fun way to get to know a community and see if it meets you needs. Stalking stalking is creepy and you're a big perv if you think you can stare at people and get off on it. That's just wrong.

Neighborhood Stalking 101 for Fat Girls:

1. Be aware of the vehicle you use. If your car is the only one in the area you've seen with bumper stickers such as "God is watching and She's pissed!", "Support Your Local Goddess: Buy Me Things" or "Real Men Don't Use Violence", people will notice. You will be quickly spotted. But, if you're the only one, do you really want to live with those bunch of losers?

2. Use the Buddy System. You cannot drive, make snide comments, AND take pictures. Well, you can, but that isn't safe. Having a friend in the vehicle gives you an extra set of eyes, someone to take the pictures, and will definitely sharpen your wit.

3. Call those Realtors and view those homes! It's a great way to begin snooping on potential neighbors. Plus, it's OK to look in the medicine cabinet of a home for sale because you're deciding if there's enough space for your crap, not just checking out what kind of deodorant they use.

4. Unless you have married a gay man do not bring your husband or significant other. They usually don't understand the need to take pictures of homes you don't intend to buy or look into closets and try on clothes that belong to strangers. Frankly, they're just not as exciting as you.

5. Be sure to check the neighborhood at different times. Sunday afternoon is very different than Friday night. Feel free to crash a small backyard get-together. It's a great way to meet people, and when you move into the neighborhood you've had a jump start on making out with everyone's husbands.