Fat Girls Guide to Traffic Jams

Summertime.

It's a time for vacations, tankinis (Fat Girls don't do the bikini in public. We prefer to keep it tanked), and road construction.

Yeah, I said it.

Road Construction.

Embrace it, my friends, because the bitch is back and she is pissed!

As we are all aware, many Fat Girls lack patience.

Because of our sheer girth we often have some minor issues with claustrophobia.


Road Construction: Lack of patience and frustration at not being able to move freely.


If you live in a state/province/territory/etc. that experiences snow, you are well aware that when the bears come out of hibernation, so do the people in the shiny yellow/green vests. If you live in the South you're probably used to seeing them year round, but they seem to multiply like rabbits when the weather turns to painfully, horribly hot.

Road Construction can cause anyone to swear. Fat Girls swear about how delicious their ice cream is (who doesn't use an m-f-fer now and then to describe Ben n Jerry's?), so you can only imagine how much swearing is involved when they are stuck in traffic.

With just a little preparation, Fat Girls can be ready to bear the injustice of being stuck in a line on the highway, usually behind the idiot blaring Styx.

1. Keep a pen and paper handy. You finally have time to write down the details from all those "How's my driving" bumper stickers.

2. Styxs my ass. Keep that ipod prepared with a "Best of the Worst" play list to blare whenever anyone thinks you should be subject to "Mr. Roboto".

3. To prepare for when that creepy guy with his arm hanging out the window of a beat up pick up truck starts to give you his best come hither wink, use your spare time in line to warm up your middle finger. You're gonna need to stretch for this one!

4. Go ahead, put on your make up! You might get arrested when your road rage really kicks in, so you might as well look as good as Paris Hilton in her mug shot.

5. When you know there will be heavy road construction, think about carpooling to save the environment. Then plan to bring ruffies so you can drug everyone in the car to avoid listening to them talk about their favorite drinks at Starbucks. Bastards.

6. in case you haven't done it already, puncture all the hoses for your air conditioning. If you're gonna be stuck in traffic for hours on end, you might as well do it with your head sticking out of the window like a dog waiting for a tractor trailer to release its air breaks or some idiot on a crotch rocket to blast past you in the hazard lane.

7. Just relax and breathe. You won't be able to accomplish any of your plans to take over the world if you're stressed because of traffic.