The Fat Girls Guide: Douchebags, Part 2

It's important to know how serious a douche bag encounter is. Just like Homeland Security has their terror scale, Fat Girls have the douche bag scale. Check out the actual scale, and then I'll give you a few tests so you know you're ready.



Note: I made this. Don't steal it without giving me credit. Otherwise you're a douche bag.

Ok, here's a few tests. Look at the picture and tell me what level douche bag-ery you're facing:

1.
(picture courtesy of starpulse.com)

Yeah, I know, everyone loves Matthew McConaughey. We've all loved a douche, right? Now, this is definitely green. He's really more of a tool, and this is the only picture I could find of him in a shirt.

Good job!

2.
(picture courtesy of: adpulp.com)

Again, it's amazing how often we come in contact with douche bags because JOHN MAYER is totally a douche (and a tool). This is level blue. Make fun of him. A lot.

Now, it doesn't get much more obvious than this:

3.
(photo courtesy of the AMAZING website www.njdouchebags.com GO THERE NOW)

Clearly you're into the yellow range (although by the look of his fake tan he's attempting to escalate to orange).

Now, this is when it's tricky. Is it an Orange level Douche or a Red level Douche? It's hard. Try these:


(photo: thehollywoodgossip.com)
Told you! It's Double Douche, but have we reached level red?


(picture: janetcharltonshollywood.com)

Yeah, red? orange? I'm not sure either. Total douche, though. Total douche.


(photo: guidespot.com)
What? Didn't realize women can be douche bags too? Madonna always challenges society boundaries, doesn't she? Douche.

And finally, THIS is when you know you've hit RED:


(photo: guidespot.com)

You've been educated. Fat Girls- attack!

Didn't Get It Last Time? More Douche Bag Background Info

The Fat Girls Guide to Douche Bags: Part 1- Spotting a Douche Bag

With summer coming the douche bags will come out of the woodwork with their stupid t-shirts and over-worked calf muscles. Before you’re duped by a douche-in-disguise, you’ve got to know what you’re looking for.

This is a 2-part series on Douche Bags just in time for summer.

Before we can rate a douche bag’s level of douche bag-ery we have to be able to recognize them. Here’s an excellent video comparing a nice guy to a douche bag.





Still confused? Here's a great picture with some details to look for:

Yeah, you’ve loved a douche. We’ve all loved a douche. It’s OK.

But Fat Girls know that not all douche bags are so easy to spot. Some douche bags don’t meet conventional standards and will often just be labeled a tool or a narcissist. But Fat Girls have incredible douche bag radar because if there’s one thing a Fat Girl loves it’s rippin’ on a douche bag.

Next up: The Douche Bag Advisory System.

(Special thanks to tastybooze.com for the pic)

Fat Girls Guide to Finding a Layout: I Give Up

Trying to get a new layout for this blog is like trying to pry ice cream out of my hands.

Because I am (a) an adult and (b) a fat girl, I do not want layouts with (a) Twilight or (b) really skinny girls. WTF!

So (for now) I’m using this one. I’ll admit, after about 20 pages of looking I just gave up. I’m hungry.

Fat Girls Guide to Surviving Inclement Weather

Fat Girls know weather is a bitch. Personally, I don't put up with her attitude. I just slap her back. Then she kicks my ass with humidity and wrecks my hair.

But weather is just a part of life, so we need to deal with it. I'm confused by people (mostly non-Fat Girls) who are shocked when bad weather happens. If you live in the South, you're going to have tornadoes. If you live in a canyon in Southern California your home will eventually burn down. It's not that unpredictable, folks.

Since most people apparently can't handle Mother Nature's wrath, it's important for the Fat Girls to be prepared.

1. A well-stocked emergency kit will always have Little Debbie snack cakes, beer, and a really big stick to fight off looters.

2. Once the storm has passed, check yourself in a mirror or a shiny piece of debris before coming out into the open. You never know when the camera crews will come, and no Fat Girl goes on TV lookin like crap.

3. Natural disasters are excellent opportunities to meet a cute emergency responder.

4. Because Fat Girls tend to be mouthy and abrasive, we make excellent enforcers. After a disaster it's important to have people around who can keep the looters under control. And by under control I mean in a headlock.

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For all of you who can't get enough Fat Girls Guide, you can add me to your RSS list so it'll be sent straight to your phone! Just type in our url (I'm not typing it for you, use your brain), and we're there! Ha! I guess I need to write a Fat Girls Guide to Technology.

The Fat Girls Guide to Who Should Be Banned from Driving

I want to say: I am a freaking awesome driver. Amazing.

You want to be me. Admit it.

Because of my incredibleness I'm tired of bad drivers. So tired, in fact, that I'm hoping they give me some stimulus money to fix not the roads but the people who use them.

Let's ban some drivers!

# 1: Ban all douche bags from getting drivers licenses.
Let's face it- douche bags make lousy drivers. They also make lousy lovers, but that's another blog. I may hate Cosmo, but their quizes are very popular and written at a 3rd grade level. We could totally find the douche bags by giving them a quiz at the DMV. If they can't pass it, they don't get a driver's license. Done.

# 2: Ban people who are afraid of weather.
People, weather is all around you. If you're afraid of it, you shouldn't be on the road. If a puddle makes you stop dead in your tracks, if you don't understand slowing down when there's no visability, or think that cold weather means drive like a smuck, then you don't get your driver's license.

# 3: When you see a stop sign and come to a complete stop, put your car in park, and turn off the engine, you don't get a driver's license.
Here's the thing. Stop signs are really suggestions. Like speed limits and drinking ages. If no one is coming, don't stop all the way! Slow down, sure, but then you gun it and burn rubber! I believe this is mostly old people, so nature will take care of them.

These are the first 3 groups to face losing their licenses. Don't be a douche, man up when you see weather, and don't stop when you see red signs.

It's the only way you'll keep me from taking your license.