The Fat Girls Guide to Public Ass Kicking

It's a well known fact that Fat Girls can't keep their fat mouths shut.

In public, in private, it doesn't really matter. If a Fat Girl's got somethin' to say, she's gonna say it.

This includes publicly kickin some ass.

What kind of ass kickin, you ask? This kind of ass kickin:

- Rippin a new one into the ass hole who thinks it's ok to yell at an old person.

- Staring down someone who just told his girlfriend she's an idiot when she clearly wasn't being stupid.

-Following someone who is clearly intoxicated out into the parking lot and calling 911 to report a drunk driver.


Be prepared:

Public ass kickin's are no different than a private one. It will include the following:

-Cussing. Lots of it.
-The word Bitch.
-A threat to poke them in the eye
-The statement "may you get a rash in an uncomfortable location"

Also, the following might be included:

-A promise to kill the person using something on their body ("I will strangle you with your own shoelace!" or "I will give you a wedgie that will turn you into a woman, you asswipe!")
-The promise that one day they will die in a way that will embarrass their family.
-the word "gonads" or possibly "nads"
-The prophecy that their children will "destroy whatever little hope you have left".

It will usually leave everyone in proximity to the ass kickin' shocked and possibly nauseous.
It will probably make someone cry.
It will definitely make everyone pray they never have to face a Fat Girl when she's angry.

The Fat Girls Guide to House Guests: Preparation

When inviting guests to stay in your home, Fat Girls need to prep. We're not the Martha Stewart everything-is-always-perfect-just-stop-over kinda people. We're watch-that-beer-bottle-I'd-move-it-but-I'm-too-lazy kinda people.

Because some people may have never stayed at a Fat Girl's home, let me give you an idea of what you're in for:

A good host would:

Do all their laundry before you arrived.

A Fat Girl will:

Make you fold the underwear while they drink a beer.

A good host would:

Ask you what kind of food you like, any special allergies, and would plan for your needs.

A Fat Girl will:

Come home from the grocery store with bread and 4 different kinds of beer. That's it.

A good host would:

Have an itinerary of fun activities for their guests to enjoy.

A Fat Girl will:

Make you run their errands while you're in town so they don't have to use the gas in their own car.

A good host would:

Ensure that their guests have everything they need to be comfortable during their stay.

A Fat Girl will:

Hide everything you need in a scavenger hunt. Be prepared to stick your hand down the garbage disposal if you really want toilet paper.


A good host would:

Be understanding if a guest had a problem that forced a change in the itinerary.

A Fat Girl will:

Yell at you for not telling her sooner that you have a problem and will make fun of you.


If you plan to stay at a Fat Girl's home any time soon, please be warned. It's a full-contact visit.

Fat Girls Guide to Walking

Just because we're Fat Girls doesn't mean we shouldn't get our exercise.

I prefer to exercise in the form of walking (to Dairy Queen).

When a Fat Girl goes out for a casual walk, it is important to go prepared. The streets are dangerous and so are Fat Girls.

1. Pack a snack. Or several. If you, like me, always end up sitting at a cross walk waiting for the little person to tell you it's safe to walk, you might get hungry and a box of Little Debbies should do the trick.

2. Use several routes to provide variety and security. Using multiple routes will also allow for a greater chance that someone new will whistle at you.

3. To wear a bra or not to wear a bra? THIS is the most important question in a Fat Girls life (besides which ice cream to eat). If the whistles and honks start to die down, consider going braless. If not wearing a bra means you look like you have swollen ankles, consider a push up bra and a top 1 size too small. Be prepared for the results of a braless/push up bra walk.

4. When the strange old man in the car that smells like a cough drop asks if you need a ride, don't be fooled by his wonky eye and the oxygen tank. This kind of perv is as fast as a cat and will grab your ass before you know what hit ya.

5. Do NOT stray onto private property to touch an animal that "looks harmless". If the animal doesn't kill you, the freak who lives at that house will. Fat Girls are not known for agility.

6. Avoid walking anywhere near people who are walking their pets in little baby buggies. I don't even need to explain why.

7. When a small, random child on a bike begins to follow you, don't panic. Casually pick up a rock in case the little shit comes at you in some weird Children of the Corn replay.

Fat Girls Guide: What the Hell

Y'all, why is Jenna Bush on a book tour?

Why is Jenna Bush writing books?


Why am I not on an explitive-filled book tour of my own?

My dad was an alcoholic, and my mother['s uncle] killed someone, so why don't I get all the same perks she does?

It's because I'm too in touch with my Black-ness, isn't it?

Eff-ing racists.