The Fat Girls Guide to Dillusional: A Series

"The Southern War of Independence"


What the hell?

It's the Civil War, m-fers. C-I-V-I-L W-A-R.

Accept it.

We're one big happy family now.

The Fat Girls Guide to Not Hitting Someone At A Bar

It's an established fact that bars are loud places full of people at various stages of drunkenness and debauchery.

However!

That is no excuse to act like an ASSHOLE.

If the bar is full of people yelling and screaming at a football game, your conversation about how much you love your boyfriend should NOT be audible above the yelling and screaming.

If you are really horny-go home. Don't take your boyfriend into the ONLY BATHROOM and leave the rest of us with our legs crossed wondering what we'll have to step over to pee.

If you're racist, don't yell when you talk about how much you hate "brown people".

And finally, don't be an ASSHOLE.

I don't think those are unreasonable rules.

Follow my rules and you might not get smacked in the face.

My Fat Girl New Year's Resolutions

1. Taste every Ben n Jerry's flavor there is.



2. Go to the gym. Once.



3. Remember my password to check my Best Buy credit card on line.



4. Touch a squirrel.



5. Make a new fat friend.



6. Not eat half a pizza at one time.



7. Teach my dog not to pee in the house.



8. See 3 SEC football games at 3 different stadiums



9. Leave my area code more than 1 time.



10. Start a multi million dollar business that brings me both wealth and happiness.





I think those are all really do-able. Except number 4.

A Fat Girl's Guide to 2008

Ain't It Great in 2008!

Expressions like those are really gonna piss me off this year.

Besides the guarantee that people will rhyme everything with 8 this year, what else do Fat Girls see happening in 2008?

- Thin celebrities will have problems. And by problems, I mean addictions, bad movies/cds/relationships. And by celebrities, I mean anyone with a youtube posting.

- Jessica Simpson will find some way to reinvent herself and will become popular again. She's our generation's Cher, and I'm ashamed to even think that.

- There will be a backlash against hipster bands.

- Kanye West will do something around plastic surgery safety awareness.

- That show where you have to tell the truth to win money will be really popular.

- This will be the worst year ever for American Idol.

- Speaking of American Idol: Paula Abdul will go into rehab.

- A woman will not win the presidency. Neither will Hillary Clinton.

- I will ride a scooter somewhere just for the hell of it.

- That "Teardrops On My Guitar" girl will do a duet with someone. It will be good.

- I will throw my cell phone at someone.

- Ben and Jerry's will develop a new line of ice cream.

- There will be backlash against Oprah for jumping into bed with Barak Obama. Mostly backlash from Lesbian groups who wanted her as their poster child.

- Rosie O'Donnell will wind up back on television. It will not go well.

- Someone will post a comment on this blog.

- You will tell a friend about how awesome this website is and eventually I will make some money from it.