Fat Girls Guide to Home Invasion

It is a safe assumption that everyone who reads this will be afraid at some point in their lives. Some of us have rational fears (death, spiders, a Republican controlled Congress/White House/Supreme Court)and some of us have irrational fears (elves under your bed that will eat you if any part of your body falls off the side while you sleep, snakes coming out of the pool filter and killing you, pitbulls).

To each her own when it comes to fear.

But one fear most everyone shares is home invasion. Not only are we afraid that we will not be able to defend ourselves, but it is also terrible to think someone was in your home without your permission (mother-in-law visits should not be included in this definition of home invasion).

To avoid home invasion, many of us have alarm systems, guns, pit bulls, iron bars, etc. But nothing can truly keep you safe from an invasion.

You might be completely prepared to avoid a home invasion, but I bet you're not prepared for actually being invaded.

Fat Girls know how to respond to crisis (we survived junior high, didn't we?), so here's some tips:

1. In preparation of an invasion, baseball bats should be placed in locations for easy ass-beating: next to your bed, at the foot of the stairs, in a burglar's ass, etc.
2. If you believe someone is on your property or attempting to break into your home, don't scream. Call 911 and boil some water. Once the water has reached boiling, throw it on the burglar. Enjoy the screaming while you wait for the police.
3. If you have a dog, be sure to post a "Beware of Dog" sign. That way, when your dog rips into a burglar's leg like you rip into a pint of Ben 'n' Jerry's, you're covered.
4. Hit the lights. Or hit the burglar with a lamp. Either way, his ass is yours.
5. Remember, guns don't kill people, Fat Girls kill people.
6. When it's all over, consider sitting on the floor in the fetal position near your freezer. Access the ice cream when necessary to calm your nerves. It is recommended to wait until the police leave your home before you start this process.
7. Hang a metal scrotum above your entryways as a good luck charm/warning to all who enter. These can be purchased wherever men purchase specialty truck parts (they really exist).
8. Trust your instincts. Let your inner Fat Girl guide you.