Fat Girls Guide to Bachelorette Parties

When a woman is about to embark on a lifelong commitment to another person, her friends will come together to celebrate the grand change she will soon experience in her life.

These parties are often quiet affairs, held at someone's home, and involve eating small sandwiches and tea while talking about curtains.


Haha. Just kidding. Bachelorette Parties are wild affairs that result in a lifetime of embarassment for the bride-to-be and plenty of incriminating evidence for her friends.

Fat Girls put on the best Bachelorette Parties.

Although a strange phenomenon, these usually all-female parties involve an overabundance of penis-themed party favors, including (but not limited to) penis poppers (that shoot small penis-shaped confetti around the room), penis necklaces, penis straws, etc.

As a leader in the Fat Girl Movement, I need to ask a question: why do we celebrate a woman with a penis party? I don't get it. And anyway, it's not like the penis is the most beautiful organ to have to look at. Why isn't everything shaped like a vagina? Can I not drink my mimosa through a vagina straw? Could I not wear a hat shaped like the vagina that announces to the world that I am a bride-to-be? And why would you give me a penis-shaped cake when I would rather have two mounds of sweet cake goodness shaped like boobs?

I call on whoever is creative and entreprenurial to put together a line of vajayjay party-gear for the next generation of Fat Girls to use at their bachelorette parties.

Besides the rampant use of genitalia as decoration, it is important for many parties to involve alcohol. Many drinks involve fun words like "nipple" "nurple" "and "tequila". Alcohol definately helps those at a bachelorette party feel more comfortable when someone brings out the "lolly cock" lollipop.

It should be noted, too, that when gifts are given at bachelorette parties they often seem to be focused on sex. I prefer to give gifts that are FOR the bride and are actually practical (when will edible underwear be practical? I mean, that is a recipe for more time spent cleaning up than enjoying). Why not a back massager for when she throws her back out rolling her husband over when he snores? A membership to AAA would be great, once she realizes her husband doesn't actually know how to fix cars. How about a gift certificate for one non-American baby adoption for when her life spins wildly out of control and she wakes up at 39 and realizes she never had a child but feels the need to impart on another life the messed up values of her own family traditions?

Bachelorette Parties should NOT include the following:

1. Male Strippers. Who thinks that is sexy? Ick.
2. Female Strippers. Why do I need to spend time with someone else's lady places?
3. Prudish friends. What happens when wearing the vagina necklace is not really a bride's fault.
4. Parents, grandparents, or future in-laws. Seriously. No.
5. Thin women who won't drink because "alcohol is soo much harder to burn off at the gym."

Viva la Vagina!