Fat Girls Guide to Small Town Fairs

Ah, summer. the community pools open up, Pasty White America reduce the clothing they wear in public, and small towns across the country have fairs celebrating the things that make them special (fruit/vegetables, famous animals, mass murder crime scenes, etc.).

Like all Americans, Fat Girls love the fair. Who doesn't love the opportunity to eat anything you can think of fried while listening to a local cover band play Eric Clapton hits?

To properly enjoy a fair you must come prepared!

1. If there is a parade (If? I mean when.), be sure to put your chairs out at least a day in advance in order to ensure you'll be able to see the floats and beauty queens. Or you can get there late and knock over some poor toddler to take her place in front. You know you're gonna do it once they start throwing candy anyway.

2. Bring cash. Fat Girls love credit cards, of course, but they are rarely accepted at the fried banana stand. Cash also comes in handy when you need to bribe a carnie to let you stay on the Ferris wheel all day.

3. Get your face painted. Ask for the most difficult, impossible-to-put-on-a-face drawing ever, just to piss off the artist. Then forget about it 2 hours later and start hitting on that cute guy you've noticed at work. Always a turn on.

4. Limit your clothing. You will be in the sun, and she's a bitch. Unless you want a horrible tan line, that is.

5. Consider forming a Fat Girls coalition to petition City Hall/Chamber of Commerce to allow nudity at the fair. Not only would it increase the people watching potential, it would eliminate tan lines (unless you wear shoes or accessories).

6. Buy a tacky hat/plastic inflatable cartoon character/invisible dog on a leash. It's OK as long as you're at the fair.

7. If your fair involves a theme (Donkey Days, Strung-out Strawberry Surprise, Macaroni Madness, etc.) consider dressing in homage to the theme. (for example: Wear a Strawberry Shortcake costume to Strung-Out Strawberry Surprise.)

8. All's fair on the Midway. Feel free to knock down small children in order to get to the front of the line for any rides. Take their prizes if you don't win. Children need to learn that life isn't fair, and if you can't learn that at THE FAIR, where can you?

9. Ever notice how all the beauty queens (from the 0-6 mo. "Diaper Derby" winner to the High School Queen) are separated throughout the parade? This isn't an accident. These winners are divas (or diaper divas), and they cannot be around each other without starting a fight. If you have the opportunity, start a rumor that could lead to an all out fist-fight on the float filled with the "runner's up". Or just make fun of them. Either way it's a good time.

10. Take the time to drink in the people. Enjoy the masses: Goth beauties with giant pink pandas won by their Goth boyfriends, rich Hipsters desperately trying to stay clean, Rednecks with their shirts unbuttoned except the very last one, creating a J.Lo. infamous green dress effect, and Soccer Moms yelling at their children in the parade to "smile!" and "use more jazz hand!"