Fat Girls Guide: Things to Avoid in Court

Fat Girls may, on occassion, find themselves on the business end of a judge's death-stare. This is due in large part to the fact that Fat Girls 1) don't back down, 2) defend others, and 3) like their liquor and their men the same way: in excess.

The majority of Fat Girls understand basic behavior rules when in a court of law, but it seems that most people do not. Therefore, it is important to remember a few key tips that will increase the likelyhood you will not be sharing a cell with Paris Hilton but rather will spend 11 months and 29 days sweet-talkin' your cute probation officer.

1. Do not wear anything that you might wear to a club or that has caused you to be confused with prostitutes. This includes that awesome pink skirt that delicately exposes your lady bits and has proven very popular with the guys.

2. Silence your cell phone. The dude with the gun standing up at the front of the court room is REALLY bored. He loves to play games, and has no problem taking your phone the first chance he gets.

3. Don't sass. Anyone. Period. They have guns.

4. Actually show up. Contrary to popular opinion, your ass WILL go to jail if you fail to appear. Dog the Bounty Hunter will not come find you (unless you're a millionaire rapist or a surfer dude from Hawaii) and lecture you about becoming a better person before he lovingly takes you back to jail. Your ass will be thrown into a cop car, your anus will be searched for contraband, and in the morning you will sit in the courtroom, without underwear and shoelaces, to explain to the judge why you couldn't be there.

5. Take snacks. Judges are robots who only need 15 minutes a day to eat and poop. You need more time (because you're a human). But don't eat or drink in the courtroom. That dude with the gun who is using your minutes to text his mom is thirsty, too.

6. When on the stand DO NOT ACCUSE ANYONE OF HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THE OPPOSING LAWYER.

You might not be Johnny Cochran, but you can avoid looking like an dumb ass.