Fat Girls Guide to the Wedding Day (Part 1)

In honor of a beloved Fat Girl who is marrying this weekend, it is time for the first of what will certainly be many installments of The Fat Girls Guide to the Wedding Day.

While most people are married with very few problems, Fat Girls tend to have a flair for the dramatic and the experience that things don't go bad, they go outrageous.

A Fat Girl Bride should prepare for anything. Her wedding isn't just a wedding, it's an exerpt from those Worst Case Scenario books.

For example:

Your family will fuck something up. It's just going to happen. They might not mean to, they may feel really bad about it, but they're gonna do something. Expect your grandfather's brother to lose his fake hair in your punch bowl, your niece to run screaming down the isle with no underwear rather than a basket of flowers, or a fight to break out between your weird second cousins. You should also prepare for one family member to announce they are gay.


Someone will vomit.

If your family or friends are less than happy about your nuptuals, prepare for them to act out. They cannot control themselves. People assume that because you are fat you are also stupid. This, of course, is not true. Providing drinks before the wedding that are tipped with Zanax should keep them under control, but if you go with this plan, prepare for nudity and karaoke from your guests.

The groom will mess up the vows. You are perfect, he is not. It's ok.

When the photographer tries to make you do something you do not want to do, please don't feel obligated. The photographer is your employee. Refrain from physical violence against him should he want some dumbass photo like the groom pulling off a garter with his teeth. You will not be allowed to wear your wedding dress for long when they take you to jail.

Pets should always be welcome at a wedding. They should also be bathed, groomed, and properly restrained. You only wish that could be said for your family.

At least one guest (most likely another Fat Girl) will do something to attempt to embarrass you. She could pinch your boob, grab the groom's butt, moon you, or even butt tag you. Prepare for the ambush.

And finally, a smart bride will avoid high reception costs by substituting purchased alcohol with moonshine. Readily available from any rural community (regardless of where you live in America), moonshine is perfect for a wedding. It's great flavored (strawberry is my favorite) and it works in any drink you might prepare with traditional alcohol (who doesn't love a moonshine margarita?). It is also extremely potent, causing most guests to pass out quickly and giving you a clear shot at making a run for it.

Cheers!