Fat Girls Guide to The Hospital

When going into the following situations, it is important to have back up:

1. A drug house with a warrant
2. A biker bar
3. A Star Trek convention wearing a Chewbaka costume
4. A 9 year old girl's slumber party
5. The hospital

Fat girls may not be the ideal people to bring to all of these occassions, but Fat Girls are the kind of people you want with you when you go to the hospital.

Why?

Because we tend to be bossy. Wait, scratch that, we tend to be bitchy. And we can party all night.

When you go to the hospital you are:

A. About to die and therefore unable to pay attention to anything but your pain
B. Scared out of your mind
C. unconscious
D. a combination of A, B, and C


Because of the above reasons, it is important to have someone who will serve as your bodygaurd.

No matter how nice a doctor may be, s/he tends to have some control issues. They know that most of us have no idea what they are talking about ("decussation of superior cerebellar peduncles" What the hell is that?) plus they know you're afraid and probably unable to say no to whatever they want to do to you. You might often hear doctors saying, "I'd explain it to you, but it's very complicated" or "if you'd like a second opinion, I would suggest you do it immediately. My time is valuable".

Most people, because they are afraid and non-confrontational, tend to back down. Fat Girls never back down. We're willing to corner a doctor using a portable toilet, an IV rack, and a but-less gown. We're willing to cuss out a doctor when someone needs more pain medication, a second opinion, or more jell-o.

Fat Girls don't fear doctors.

Doctors fear Fat Girls.

A good nurse will love a Fat Girl. Fat Girls don't ask for help until it's necessary. Need a bed pan? We'll go find one. Want more jell-o? We'll grab one off an unused tray. No need to call the nurse.

A bad nurse? Bad nurses also tend to hate Fat Girls. See, if you're a nurse and you sit on your ass in your little station chatting it up with other bad nurses, you'll find a Fat Girl waiting to chew you out. If you plan to raise your voice at a patient because they did something that, oh I don't know, sick people would do (like vomit), you'll get a Fat Girls slap to the face.

Bad nurses prey on the weak.

Fat Girls prey on bad nurses.

Fat Girls are also willing to stay overnight in your room. When everyone who didn't have a Fat Girl in their room at 3 a.m. is buzzing the nurses station asking for more ice chips or for help to the toilet, a Fat Girl went to the liquor store for ice and brought a toilet to you.

Fat Girls care. A true Fat Girl will help you and the person in the bed next to you.

Accept no imitations.