Fat Girls Guide to Buffets

I recently went to a banquet that involved a VERY good bread pudding as dessert.

Fat Girls don't do well at buffet-style events.

You see, Fat Girls get their money's worth. If I spent $20 on a meal (which I rarely do), I want $20 worth of food.

If I cannot eat $20 worth of food, I will take $20 worth of food.

All is fair in a buffet.

Fat Girls naturally gravitate towards large purses, in part, because they often steal food.

I think of it less as theft and more as maintaining a certain lifestyle to which I have become accustomed to.

Our other issue at a buffet event is going back for seconds.

Do we call out to everyone "Y'all done? Cause I'm goin' in again!"

Do act sneaky so people think we're ashamed of ourselves (but we're not)?

Or do we just bring the dessert plate back to our table, because we all know Fat Girls tend to congregate at the same table and everyone was thinking of bringing back the dessert plate anyway?

And if, like I experienced tonight, you're at an event (and not an all-you-can-eat restaurant) you can't just get up once someone starts speaking.

Fat Girls don't follow that rule.

If I want more bread pudding, I'll get it when I damn well please, and I'll kindly thank you to shut the hell up and wait for me.

And if these issues weren't enough, I haven't even covered the reality that there is always the dumb ass caterer who thinks it's OK to start removing food once the last person has gone through the line.

Did they not see me? Do they not understand I am a Fat Girl and need time to decide just how much bread pudding I plan to consume?

Please note, if you are a non-Fat Girl reading this, and you are planning an important business meeting: do not have it as a buffet lunch if you're working with Fat Girls. We will not pay attention to you and will miss all the important information you are telling us.

I will, however, remember the name of the waiter who helped me spoon out the last of the cheese sauce so my broccoli would be a little less vegetable and a lot more fabulous.